Part of my anxiety is that I tend to do anything and everything to avoid situations, people, and definitly confrontation. Well this past week I have had not only 1 but 2 breakthroughs.
First I was able to call our landlord and find out some information. Easy right? Yeah it is....for most people it is quite simple. But for someone with extreme anxiety it's a nightmare. But I did it...it was not a pleasant call and I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it...and the best part is I did it without thinking about it. I didn't have to plan the conversation, and possible answers or questions. I just did it. I was spontaneous and I did it.
Second breakthough is quite abit more exciting. We are going to be moving, so we went to the store to get moving boxes. Well going to the store with Dan has...90% of the time....been fairly simple. As long as Dan is with me i'm ok. He left me alone. And had be checkout with some of the things we had wanted....by myself! Again something that some people do weekly or even daily...and really don't think twice about doing it. For me that was a huge accomplishment.
For the first time in over a year I can say I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to do these things. And while I still have anxiety and always will on some level, I know now that it is getting better. That I am conquering these fears and stepping on them one at a time.
Now for the bigger question....can I do them again? I'm sure I could and i'm sure I will someday.
Don't misunderstand.....the anxiety is still there. And it's huge. it's like a giant monster that is attatched to me. But this is progress...these things made me feel good about myself again. I'm getting back to my old self, and I have to admit....i've really missed her!
JM
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Sunday, 5 July 2015
Thursday, 2 July 2015
......it's been awhile.....
I'm honestly not sure if anyone reads this or not.....I hope so! I hope I can either shed light on what i've been going through for my family and friends, and maybe even help someone else who is confused out there.
I haven't written a post in awhile. No honest to god great reason for it. After the one year went by for my mom I went downhill. Struggling is an understatement. I pushed everyone away and hid in my "nest". I even stopped seeing my dr and my Councillor. My anxiety took over my life and I let it. I stopped going to my group meetings every week and when at all possible stayed inside. Only leaving when I was with my husband Dan.
This is NOT healthy. I'm back on my medication, I'm seeing my dr and my councillor regularly, so I'm getting back to my old self. Do I still miss my mom....every single day. But I can say that now I can go an hour at a time and not think of her and miss her so much my heart hurts.
Tonight something interesting happened. I was at my good friends house, and we were watching the kids play outside. Her neighbour came over to visit. She is my mom's age, and we all sat there and chatted. I remember thinking to myself that this woman sounds extremely interesting. And when she went to leave, it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my mom. Nothing in particular. Nothing I can say exactly....the way she talked, her coffee, how when she talked of her grandchild her eyes lit up. Nothing like that. I think it was just her presence.
I'm watching everyone's lives move on around me and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes i'm jealous. This is the first time in my life where I have no one to worry about except myself. I just realized this and it's quite a revelation. Dan and I are going to be embarking on alot of new changes over the next few years, and I'm very excited for it.
For the first time in a year and a half i'm excited for the future....excited to live my life with 2 guardian angels on my shoulders, whispering in my ear. I will still have my bad days....but I'm looking forward to the good ones.
JM
I haven't written a post in awhile. No honest to god great reason for it. After the one year went by for my mom I went downhill. Struggling is an understatement. I pushed everyone away and hid in my "nest". I even stopped seeing my dr and my Councillor. My anxiety took over my life and I let it. I stopped going to my group meetings every week and when at all possible stayed inside. Only leaving when I was with my husband Dan.
This is NOT healthy. I'm back on my medication, I'm seeing my dr and my councillor regularly, so I'm getting back to my old self. Do I still miss my mom....every single day. But I can say that now I can go an hour at a time and not think of her and miss her so much my heart hurts.
Tonight something interesting happened. I was at my good friends house, and we were watching the kids play outside. Her neighbour came over to visit. She is my mom's age, and we all sat there and chatted. I remember thinking to myself that this woman sounds extremely interesting. And when she went to leave, it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my mom. Nothing in particular. Nothing I can say exactly....the way she talked, her coffee, how when she talked of her grandchild her eyes lit up. Nothing like that. I think it was just her presence.
I'm watching everyone's lives move on around me and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes i'm jealous. This is the first time in my life where I have no one to worry about except myself. I just realized this and it's quite a revelation. Dan and I are going to be embarking on alot of new changes over the next few years, and I'm very excited for it.
For the first time in a year and a half i'm excited for the future....excited to live my life with 2 guardian angels on my shoulders, whispering in my ear. I will still have my bad days....but I'm looking forward to the good ones.
JM
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
....it's like learning to walk all over again....
I recently heard an interview with Melissa Rivers....and she said something that i've said numerous times. "I have to learn how to live without my mother...and it's not easy". I've been saying this alot in the last year, and when I do is met with the typical..."it's ok", "you'll be fine", "you'll get through it".
Hearing someone else say it...was almost a validation...not a told you so...but personally for me, it was almost like saying "ok i'm not crazy".
For 32 years I had my mom. If I was sad I'd call her. Mad, Angry, Lonely, Confused. Literally any feeling in the world I had, I would call my mom. Sometimes she would drive me nuts with her response (usually "i told you so"). I still go to pick up the phone to call her.
It's hard to wake up one day and have a new life. New expectations, new people new hopes and dreams. The moment I knew my mom was gone, I was alone with her. The room was spinning and I honestly didn't know what I was supposed to do. I was looking at her lifeless in bed, and I wanted to just go back in time and do something...anything...different. But alas, life isn't a tv show or movie, and that isn't possible. The only thing you can do is mourn, and try and move on. But how do you do that when you feel alone. Orphaned.
I'm an orphan. I had to figure out what I was supposed to do now. I think I did an ok job. I surrounded myself with people I knew would support me and be there. Who could share memories and laugh and cry with me. Sure there were some bad apples in the bag....but that goes with any situation.
So the question is still there..."How do I learn to live without my mom?"
You just do. She taught me to be a fighter. She taught me that life is not easy. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But it's worth it. So I fight. I fight scary feelings, I fight the urge to drive to her apartment. I fight until I have no fight left. Which trust me, happens. Those days are rough, but have come less and less in the last year.
People who loose limbs often suffer from "Phantom Limb Syndrome". I was reading about this the other day...why I don't know...but it got me really thinking. I often have moments where life seems like it was 13 months ago. I forget that my mom is gone. I forget that she went to sleep one night and never woke up again. I forget that she left me. It never last long...the forget...and they are awesome moments...that is until they aren't. Once you are brought back to reality it's like loosing her all over again.
I look at her picture every day. I've even started talking to her more. I miss her more than ever...but she is with me. She is beside me. Walking with me, still teaching me to be strong and fight.
Hearing someone else say it...was almost a validation...not a told you so...but personally for me, it was almost like saying "ok i'm not crazy".
For 32 years I had my mom. If I was sad I'd call her. Mad, Angry, Lonely, Confused. Literally any feeling in the world I had, I would call my mom. Sometimes she would drive me nuts with her response (usually "i told you so"). I still go to pick up the phone to call her.
It's hard to wake up one day and have a new life. New expectations, new people new hopes and dreams. The moment I knew my mom was gone, I was alone with her. The room was spinning and I honestly didn't know what I was supposed to do. I was looking at her lifeless in bed, and I wanted to just go back in time and do something...anything...different. But alas, life isn't a tv show or movie, and that isn't possible. The only thing you can do is mourn, and try and move on. But how do you do that when you feel alone. Orphaned.
I'm an orphan. I had to figure out what I was supposed to do now. I think I did an ok job. I surrounded myself with people I knew would support me and be there. Who could share memories and laugh and cry with me. Sure there were some bad apples in the bag....but that goes with any situation.
So the question is still there..."How do I learn to live without my mom?"
You just do. She taught me to be a fighter. She taught me that life is not easy. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But it's worth it. So I fight. I fight scary feelings, I fight the urge to drive to her apartment. I fight until I have no fight left. Which trust me, happens. Those days are rough, but have come less and less in the last year.
People who loose limbs often suffer from "Phantom Limb Syndrome". I was reading about this the other day...why I don't know...but it got me really thinking. I often have moments where life seems like it was 13 months ago. I forget that my mom is gone. I forget that she went to sleep one night and never woke up again. I forget that she left me. It never last long...the forget...and they are awesome moments...that is until they aren't. Once you are brought back to reality it's like loosing her all over again.
I look at her picture every day. I've even started talking to her more. I miss her more than ever...but she is with me. She is beside me. Walking with me, still teaching me to be strong and fight.
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
...How are you....
The age old question....How are you?
I'm sure you hear it a hundred times a day from strangers...cashier at the store, an old friend you haven't seen in awhile, spouse, parents. It can go from a reflex question to a genuine question.
I've often thought of telling the truth. How many times have you been asked that you just answered by reflex...."i'm...good/ok/great". Well in the last year this question has been asked to me probably an average of a million times.
Don't get me wrong, it's a part of life. It is a "courtesy" in a way. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you told the truth about how you are feeling in that moment? I have. In fact upon reflecting on this I realized that there is only one person in my life that I can be 100% honest about when asked that question. My husband.
One year ago the answer for me was, alone, angry, lost, confused, pissed off, and sad. I went through those thoughts of why am I still here. How am I supposed to go through this alone. Why are all these people looking at me. Find me a hiding place. Dan, my husband, has been a life line for me. He found me that hiding place, that place noone could stare at me, look at me with pity, that place was in his arms. I know it's cheesy, but it's the only time I can be real and honest. Because answering "How are you" by saying, miserable, confused, suicidal, it's not something alot of people want to hear.
I finally came up with a response that works. I don't know. Straight and to the point. I don't know how I am. It's the truth. I'm so many things sometimes I don't know how I am. I don't know how I'm feeling.
Now don't misunderstand me. I have alot of people in my life that I love and would be lost without. And they all ask how I am...and I'm sooooo grateful for each and everyone of them. But know this. If you ask someone who is grieving how they are, be prepared for the response. It will probably be an "ok", but know that that OK is two letters that are loaded with feelings and emotions.
Don't let "how are you" be a reflex. Make it be sincere and honest.
JM
I'm sure you hear it a hundred times a day from strangers...cashier at the store, an old friend you haven't seen in awhile, spouse, parents. It can go from a reflex question to a genuine question.
I've often thought of telling the truth. How many times have you been asked that you just answered by reflex...."i'm...good/ok/great". Well in the last year this question has been asked to me probably an average of a million times.
Don't get me wrong, it's a part of life. It is a "courtesy" in a way. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you told the truth about how you are feeling in that moment? I have. In fact upon reflecting on this I realized that there is only one person in my life that I can be 100% honest about when asked that question. My husband.
One year ago the answer for me was, alone, angry, lost, confused, pissed off, and sad. I went through those thoughts of why am I still here. How am I supposed to go through this alone. Why are all these people looking at me. Find me a hiding place. Dan, my husband, has been a life line for me. He found me that hiding place, that place noone could stare at me, look at me with pity, that place was in his arms. I know it's cheesy, but it's the only time I can be real and honest. Because answering "How are you" by saying, miserable, confused, suicidal, it's not something alot of people want to hear.
I finally came up with a response that works. I don't know. Straight and to the point. I don't know how I am. It's the truth. I'm so many things sometimes I don't know how I am. I don't know how I'm feeling.
Now don't misunderstand me. I have alot of people in my life that I love and would be lost without. And they all ask how I am...and I'm sooooo grateful for each and everyone of them. But know this. If you ask someone who is grieving how they are, be prepared for the response. It will probably be an "ok", but know that that OK is two letters that are loaded with feelings and emotions.
Don't let "how are you" be a reflex. Make it be sincere and honest.
JM
Thursday, 5 February 2015
....loosing a grandparent...
I had a fairly "normal" family growing up....well in the sense that I had 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas. By the time I was 15 however, that had dwindled down to 1. My Grandma Smith (my moms mom) was the only grandparent I had from 15 years old on. She was there when my dad died, helping my mom and I, she watched me go to my prom, and graduate high school. She watched as I got married and divorced....and get married again. She supported me and watched me grow into a woman, make mistakes and grow from them.
As I grew older I grew closer to my grandma. She was awesome. Always joking around and she had the best laugh. We would watch the Bachelor every monday night and even though she lived 60 minutes away, she would call me when it was done and we would talk about the show. We would talk for hours laughing and joking. She would call the girls "hussies" and I would laugh.
I remember the stories she would tell of my mom and my uncle when they were growing up. When we went to visit her we would always go for a drive and go past all her old "stomping grounds" and she would tell us all her memories.
Christmas time was always a special time for us. She would come down and celebrate with us..staying for a few days. It was always a blast. We would have rye and cokes and play cards for hours and hours. It was the best times and I truly cherish those memories. She loved playing cards. And crafts..well she crochet'd all the time....tried to teach me how to knit...but that just turned into a comedy skit!
Her baking was what inspired me to learn. She would make the most amazing apple pies. And shortbread cookies...well don't' even get me started! To this day I still can't make them just as she did. I remember when she tried to teach me how to "crimp" the edge of a pie....it didn't end well!
My grandma was full of life and love. She taught me what love should look like, and it's because of her I was able to fall in love with Dan and be as happy as I am now with him.
In April 2012 we got a call from my Aunt Sandy that grandma was taken to the hospital. My mom and I rushed down to be there for her. We sat by her bedside and held her hand and prayed that she would pull through. On April 13 she went in for surgery, she came out but we were told it wasn't good. Her body was tired it was done. They took her to a room where we could surround her and be with her. I remember the dr wanted to meet with the family so my mom and aunt and uncle all left to talk with him, and left me there. I held her hand and talked to her. Told her I loved her and that grandpa was waiting for her. I did my best to not cry. She looked at me and squeezed my hand.
Everyone came back and shortly after grandma left us. My mom was broken, and I didn't know how to help her. A few days later we had her service and we said goodbye. Life went on as usual.
I struggled to grieve for her. I missed her so much. My mom was worse of course. I tried to be there for her but it wasn't until I lost her that I understood what she was going through.
My grief for my mom has since "over shadowed" my grief for my grandma, but it's still there. Losing so many people in such a short time frame is tough. After my grandma is was my mom, then 6 months later my Aunt Sandy.
It's overwhelming and often confusing. But that's ok. One hour at a time...one day at a time. They are all in my heart and surrounding me. Grief is ok...and it's ok to miss them.
JM
As I grew older I grew closer to my grandma. She was awesome. Always joking around and she had the best laugh. We would watch the Bachelor every monday night and even though she lived 60 minutes away, she would call me when it was done and we would talk about the show. We would talk for hours laughing and joking. She would call the girls "hussies" and I would laugh.
I remember the stories she would tell of my mom and my uncle when they were growing up. When we went to visit her we would always go for a drive and go past all her old "stomping grounds" and she would tell us all her memories.
Christmas time was always a special time for us. She would come down and celebrate with us..staying for a few days. It was always a blast. We would have rye and cokes and play cards for hours and hours. It was the best times and I truly cherish those memories. She loved playing cards. And crafts..well she crochet'd all the time....tried to teach me how to knit...but that just turned into a comedy skit!
Her baking was what inspired me to learn. She would make the most amazing apple pies. And shortbread cookies...well don't' even get me started! To this day I still can't make them just as she did. I remember when she tried to teach me how to "crimp" the edge of a pie....it didn't end well!
My grandma was full of life and love. She taught me what love should look like, and it's because of her I was able to fall in love with Dan and be as happy as I am now with him.
In April 2012 we got a call from my Aunt Sandy that grandma was taken to the hospital. My mom and I rushed down to be there for her. We sat by her bedside and held her hand and prayed that she would pull through. On April 13 she went in for surgery, she came out but we were told it wasn't good. Her body was tired it was done. They took her to a room where we could surround her and be with her. I remember the dr wanted to meet with the family so my mom and aunt and uncle all left to talk with him, and left me there. I held her hand and talked to her. Told her I loved her and that grandpa was waiting for her. I did my best to not cry. She looked at me and squeezed my hand.
Everyone came back and shortly after grandma left us. My mom was broken, and I didn't know how to help her. A few days later we had her service and we said goodbye. Life went on as usual.
I struggled to grieve for her. I missed her so much. My mom was worse of course. I tried to be there for her but it wasn't until I lost her that I understood what she was going through.
My grief for my mom has since "over shadowed" my grief for my grandma, but it's still there. Losing so many people in such a short time frame is tough. After my grandma is was my mom, then 6 months later my Aunt Sandy.
It's overwhelming and often confusing. But that's ok. One hour at a time...one day at a time. They are all in my heart and surrounding me. Grief is ok...and it's ok to miss them.
JM
Monday, 2 February 2015
...It's ok to do nothing...grief is hard work...
There is no rule book or guidelines for grief and grieving. One thing people who haven't grieved a major loss in their life is that it is hard work. Grieving is like a full time job. That is on top of everyday expectations and responsibilities.
When I lost my mom I spent 2 weeks in her apartment. I "slept" on the couch and Dan slept next to me on the floor...he was my lifeline. Maybe it was a mistake to stay there, but I needed to be close to her things. Surround myself with her scent and with her life. Alot of people were ok with it at first, and then were anxious for me to go home. I did eventually, but I am so thankful I had that time there.
There were times after everything had settled down that I wanted to just lay in bed. Some days I wanted the world to disappear. I wanted to find a quiet place and hide. Other days I made it out to the couch but didn't want to leave it.....just wanted to watch TV all day. Then I would have a good day.
Well to all those people trying to support someone who is grieving....sometimes doing nothing is ok. It helps to rest all those emotions and escape even for a few hours. I've heard it all...it's not healthy...don't be doing that...don't isolate yourself. And I agree. Everything in moderation.
A year later I still find myself having these days. And I've learned to take them, because they help make the other days bearable.
It's important to let yourself grieve. Everyone does it in there own way and that's ok.
JM
When I lost my mom I spent 2 weeks in her apartment. I "slept" on the couch and Dan slept next to me on the floor...he was my lifeline. Maybe it was a mistake to stay there, but I needed to be close to her things. Surround myself with her scent and with her life. Alot of people were ok with it at first, and then were anxious for me to go home. I did eventually, but I am so thankful I had that time there.
There were times after everything had settled down that I wanted to just lay in bed. Some days I wanted the world to disappear. I wanted to find a quiet place and hide. Other days I made it out to the couch but didn't want to leave it.....just wanted to watch TV all day. Then I would have a good day.
Well to all those people trying to support someone who is grieving....sometimes doing nothing is ok. It helps to rest all those emotions and escape even for a few hours. I've heard it all...it's not healthy...don't be doing that...don't isolate yourself. And I agree. Everything in moderation.
A year later I still find myself having these days. And I've learned to take them, because they help make the other days bearable.
It's important to let yourself grieve. Everyone does it in there own way and that's ok.
JM
Saturday, 24 January 2015
.....my life changed 1 year ago...
This blog entry will be my hardest. I've even debated even writing it, but I know selfishly it will be good for me, but more so I hope that I can reach even one person who might be having the same feelings or thoughts or experience. To let them know they are not alone.
To start I should explain what my biggest fear in the world was.
Friday, January 24, 2014 started out like any other day...got up and ready for the day and called my mom. I called my mom every single day...every morning, would talk to her at lunch, and then we would talk 3-5 times a night. It may seem excessive to some people, but it was just our way. We were close...best friends. Anyway, that morning I tried calling her over and over and over again...no answer. That wasn't like her. Maybe she was on the phone...maybe she was in the bathroom....taking garbage out....all these thoughts went through my head.
Dan and I jump in the car and race over to her apartment, because I'm "over reacting". This was typical of me...She had heart problems, so I was always worried about her. We pulled into the driveway of her apartment building. I look up to her bedroom window and I knew. Her curtain wasn't closed. She always closed her curtain so my daycare kids could nap. We parked and I ran into the building and into the elevator where I started sobbing.
I ran to her door...it was locked...I knocked...hear nothing. I have a key of course, so I let myself in and look...I see her laying in bed...oh ok! She over slept...not like her but ok. I walk into her room, and try and shake her awake. I start yelling and grab my phone and call 911. I touched her face...she was so cold...freezing. She was laying on her stomach and the 911 operator kept telling me to roll her over....I couldn't. Dan comes up and I give him the phone and leave the room.
I'm panicked. I can't live without my mom! No she's ok...paramedics are coming and they will fix her...i kept saying that over and over again. After what felt like an eternity paramedics, firemen, and police were there.
2 Paramedics came out of them room and told me there was nothing they could do. She was gone. "I'm so sorry for your loss". I heard it over and over, i even understood it. But no! She was fine! Either this was a bad dream and i'm going to wake up or they are lying to me and she is really ok.
"I'm not ready to do this without her". I remember saying that over and over.
Dan called family and friends and made arrangements for the day. I sat in the chair holding her scarf and looking at her shoes. I found a note asking Dan to put $5.00 on her laundry card. Her lunch was made in the fridge for work. Her clothes were laying out. But she wouldn't wake up.
Can I go back in time? Can I just reverse this so I can do something different? What did I do to deserve this? Who am I going to call when I need help or advice? Who's going to call me out when I'm being stupid?
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to be around for longer. We had made a grocery list the night before. We had made plans for the weekend. Why the hell was this happening?
After a few hours, I was surrounded my friends and family. I should mention we were in her apartment where she was still laying in the next room. Police were still there. I had to give a statement, and we were waiting for a coroner to declare her deceased.
Finally he came, Massive Heart Attack. There was nothing anyone could do. It was very quick.
Those are the words I'm supposed to take and feel comfort from apparently. We were able to take a few minutes with her before the funeral home took her. I cried and cried. Finally she was taken out and was on her way to the funeral home. The next day I had an opportunity to see her and "spend time with her". Our funeral home was very accommodating and I'm so grateful for that. Dan and I went and we got to see her. She looked "better" than she did the morning I found her. She looked peaceful.....she looked at rest. It was reassuring for me. I fixed her hair and talked to her. I said good bye to my mom. My best friend in the whole world. I said goodbye to the most amazing woman I had ever known. A woman that I can only hope and pray I can be even half of. Because I know if I can be then I will be ok.
The next 2 weeks, with help from family and friends, I arranged her service, dealt with bills, people, and paperwork. I slept on her couch for those 2 weeks. I wanted to be close to her. We finally went home, but it was different now. My life was different.
Everyone around me restarted their lives. I sat in the past. I stood beside her bed staring at her lifeless body. Wondering why? why did she leave me? why didn't she just go see a dr? why did I need to be an orphan. Yup I was an orphan.
Fast forward 1 year, and I'm still sad. I still have those questions. I still don't understand why she isn't here with me. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I close my eyes and see her laying there....happens alot. But I know that all of that is ok.
Grief is a very personal journey. It's a huge amount of work and physically and emotionally draining. I don't even know if it's worth it in the end. I feel like I've spent the majority of my life grieving for somebody. And my grieving for my mom will never end. The hole that she left in my heart and in my life will forever be there. But you know what? That is ok. I know that hole is there, and I'm slowly learning how to live my life without her in it physically. I'm learning how to move on with a hole in my heart and my life.
JM
To start I should explain what my biggest fear in the world was.
Friday, January 24, 2014 started out like any other day...got up and ready for the day and called my mom. I called my mom every single day...every morning, would talk to her at lunch, and then we would talk 3-5 times a night. It may seem excessive to some people, but it was just our way. We were close...best friends. Anyway, that morning I tried calling her over and over and over again...no answer. That wasn't like her. Maybe she was on the phone...maybe she was in the bathroom....taking garbage out....all these thoughts went through my head.
Dan and I jump in the car and race over to her apartment, because I'm "over reacting". This was typical of me...She had heart problems, so I was always worried about her. We pulled into the driveway of her apartment building. I look up to her bedroom window and I knew. Her curtain wasn't closed. She always closed her curtain so my daycare kids could nap. We parked and I ran into the building and into the elevator where I started sobbing.
I ran to her door...it was locked...I knocked...hear nothing. I have a key of course, so I let myself in and look...I see her laying in bed...oh ok! She over slept...not like her but ok. I walk into her room, and try and shake her awake. I start yelling and grab my phone and call 911. I touched her face...she was so cold...freezing. She was laying on her stomach and the 911 operator kept telling me to roll her over....I couldn't. Dan comes up and I give him the phone and leave the room.
I'm panicked. I can't live without my mom! No she's ok...paramedics are coming and they will fix her...i kept saying that over and over again. After what felt like an eternity paramedics, firemen, and police were there.
2 Paramedics came out of them room and told me there was nothing they could do. She was gone. "I'm so sorry for your loss". I heard it over and over, i even understood it. But no! She was fine! Either this was a bad dream and i'm going to wake up or they are lying to me and she is really ok.
"I'm not ready to do this without her". I remember saying that over and over.
Dan called family and friends and made arrangements for the day. I sat in the chair holding her scarf and looking at her shoes. I found a note asking Dan to put $5.00 on her laundry card. Her lunch was made in the fridge for work. Her clothes were laying out. But she wouldn't wake up.
Can I go back in time? Can I just reverse this so I can do something different? What did I do to deserve this? Who am I going to call when I need help or advice? Who's going to call me out when I'm being stupid?
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to be around for longer. We had made a grocery list the night before. We had made plans for the weekend. Why the hell was this happening?
After a few hours, I was surrounded my friends and family. I should mention we were in her apartment where she was still laying in the next room. Police were still there. I had to give a statement, and we were waiting for a coroner to declare her deceased.
Finally he came, Massive Heart Attack. There was nothing anyone could do. It was very quick.
Those are the words I'm supposed to take and feel comfort from apparently. We were able to take a few minutes with her before the funeral home took her. I cried and cried. Finally she was taken out and was on her way to the funeral home. The next day I had an opportunity to see her and "spend time with her". Our funeral home was very accommodating and I'm so grateful for that. Dan and I went and we got to see her. She looked "better" than she did the morning I found her. She looked peaceful.....she looked at rest. It was reassuring for me. I fixed her hair and talked to her. I said good bye to my mom. My best friend in the whole world. I said goodbye to the most amazing woman I had ever known. A woman that I can only hope and pray I can be even half of. Because I know if I can be then I will be ok.
The next 2 weeks, with help from family and friends, I arranged her service, dealt with bills, people, and paperwork. I slept on her couch for those 2 weeks. I wanted to be close to her. We finally went home, but it was different now. My life was different.
Everyone around me restarted their lives. I sat in the past. I stood beside her bed staring at her lifeless body. Wondering why? why did she leave me? why didn't she just go see a dr? why did I need to be an orphan. Yup I was an orphan.
Fast forward 1 year, and I'm still sad. I still have those questions. I still don't understand why she isn't here with me. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I close my eyes and see her laying there....happens alot. But I know that all of that is ok.
Grief is a very personal journey. It's a huge amount of work and physically and emotionally draining. I don't even know if it's worth it in the end. I feel like I've spent the majority of my life grieving for somebody. And my grieving for my mom will never end. The hole that she left in my heart and in my life will forever be there. But you know what? That is ok. I know that hole is there, and I'm slowly learning how to live my life without her in it physically. I'm learning how to move on with a hole in my heart and my life.
JM
Sunday, 18 January 2015
....loosing my dad...
My dad's name is Gerry. Growing up we lived in a house with a big back yard and a huge deck....that he built! I loved that house...I remember the day we moved into it...it was so big...and I was so little! I thought it was awesome and was so excited. I remember my dad asking me if I liked it and I jumped up and hugged him. My dad was a long haul truck driver. That meant that a lot of the times he would be gone all week and we would only see him on weekends. I hated it. My mom and I were not close and she certainly wasn't my favorite person at this point in my life.
He would leave on sunday nights and I would crawl into bed with my mom so I could feel close to my daddy.
His first heart attack I remember. I was young...6 or 7 maybe. I remember my mom waking me up and driving us to the hospital. I remember not knowing what was happening and angry that I was waken up and put into the car. I even remember sitting in the hospital with my mom...snuggled up sleeping...no idea or clue how serious the situation was. That was the first of many attacks he would have.
Time went on, he retired eventually and I was so happy. He was home all the time...I could come home from school at lunch and he would always make me something exciting....hotdogs in Kraft Dinner or bacon on grilled cheese (that didn't go over so good!).
I have 3 "half siblings". I put quotes because I don't think of them like that. They all lived with us during some point of my growing up. The one I remember the most is my sister Sherry. I wanted to be just like her. Everything she did I had to do. I remember sneaking into her bedroom and listening to her New Kids On The Block tape...yes not a cd or mp3...a cassette tape....trying to remember the words so she would think I was cool. I would try and get her in trouble and she did the same with me...i'm sure she thought I was just some pesky little sister. I think my dad secretly loved this, even though I know we drove him nuts.
I finally went to high school and became a teenager....this is when things started to change at home. My dad's health started to get worse, and soon he was limited to just the upstairs. Going up and down stairs was just impossible for him....I wasn't used to this...the same man that I remember carrying me on his shoulders taking me to bed...was stuck on the upstairs level of our house.
The decision was made to move. We moved into an apartment and I was heart broken. Not only was my dad sick but now I had to leave the house that I grew up in and loved. I got a new room that had it's own balcony....pretty cool! It all worked out fine.
My dad was in and out of the hospital, and finally we got a hospital bed in his room, he had his own bathroom and my mom and I had setup a whole system in his room. We had a huge table and his medicine was all layed out. In August 1997 he went into the hospital via an ambulance. It was real now. He came home and had oxygen, IV's, more pills. It was overwhelming. Fortunately my mom was a trained nurse so she was able to care for him at home. She taught me everything, and we came up with a great system. She would cover during the day, and when I got home from school, I would spend time with him, him helping me with homework, and I would take care of his injections, and medicine.
It sounds crazy that a 16 year old was responsible for that....but it gave me time with him, that to this day I cherish and thank god for. Then the best thing ever happened....my teachers went on strike! (hey when your in high school and 16 years old it's pretty awesome). But something else happened too...my dad went back into the hospital...he was having trouble breathing. The next 2 weeks of my life are ones I will never forget.
My grandma came down from chatham, so did my aunt and uncle, next thing I know my brother was down....he's in the army...so now I knew it was a big deal. Then the conversation happened. My mom and my Uncle Max sat me down and told me that they were starting him on Morphine to make him more comfortable and it was just a matter of time before he would pass away. There was nothing more the dr's could do for him. I said No that's not right and cried for the rest of the night.
The teachers strike lasted for 2 weeks....which allowed me time to stay at the hospital and spend time with him. I remember some of his last wishes....a beer....and a panzerotti from Tony's, while watching Casablanca, one of his favorite movies.
On November 7, 1997 my dad passed away. My mom and brother came home from the hospital and I just knew. No words were needed. One of the saddest days of my life. Next was a whirlwind of people. People I didn't know...people I didn't want to see....tons of people. Alot of people ask me if I rebelled after that....not really...the worst I did was sneak into my brother Steven's room and steal a cigarette....tried to smoke it but just got sick.
My mom and I were inseperable after that. My dad wrote a letter to alot of people saying goodbye...and we read it together after everyone was gone and we were alone. I still have that letter in his bible and it stays close to me always. I still can't read it without crying.
The funeral came the next day it was what he wanted. I remember I didn't cry until they played that song...by boz skaggs...close the window i think it was called....then i couldn't stop crying. I remember we walked out of the service and I collapsed into my brothers arms for I don't know how long just sobbing.
Life went on as it does. My mom and I bonded over everything. Became best friends. She helped me with my first love and first heartbreak. We had shopping Thursdays, and would have dinner out just the two of us. It was awesome . I love those memories.
Loosing my dad was horrible. I will always remember him, and he is my hero, and I strive to live everyday as he would have lived his days...to the fullest. I can only hope that he is up there watching over me and is proud of me. I've made mistakes in my life, but i've learned from them and although have done things that i'm not really proud of, i've grown up and I know in my heart that he is right beside me.
I will forever be daddy's little girl...and nothing can or will change that.
thanks for reading
JM
He would leave on sunday nights and I would crawl into bed with my mom so I could feel close to my daddy.
His first heart attack I remember. I was young...6 or 7 maybe. I remember my mom waking me up and driving us to the hospital. I remember not knowing what was happening and angry that I was waken up and put into the car. I even remember sitting in the hospital with my mom...snuggled up sleeping...no idea or clue how serious the situation was. That was the first of many attacks he would have.
Time went on, he retired eventually and I was so happy. He was home all the time...I could come home from school at lunch and he would always make me something exciting....hotdogs in Kraft Dinner or bacon on grilled cheese (that didn't go over so good!).
I have 3 "half siblings". I put quotes because I don't think of them like that. They all lived with us during some point of my growing up. The one I remember the most is my sister Sherry. I wanted to be just like her. Everything she did I had to do. I remember sneaking into her bedroom and listening to her New Kids On The Block tape...yes not a cd or mp3...a cassette tape....trying to remember the words so she would think I was cool. I would try and get her in trouble and she did the same with me...i'm sure she thought I was just some pesky little sister. I think my dad secretly loved this, even though I know we drove him nuts.
I finally went to high school and became a teenager....this is when things started to change at home. My dad's health started to get worse, and soon he was limited to just the upstairs. Going up and down stairs was just impossible for him....I wasn't used to this...the same man that I remember carrying me on his shoulders taking me to bed...was stuck on the upstairs level of our house.
The decision was made to move. We moved into an apartment and I was heart broken. Not only was my dad sick but now I had to leave the house that I grew up in and loved. I got a new room that had it's own balcony....pretty cool! It all worked out fine.
My dad was in and out of the hospital, and finally we got a hospital bed in his room, he had his own bathroom and my mom and I had setup a whole system in his room. We had a huge table and his medicine was all layed out. In August 1997 he went into the hospital via an ambulance. It was real now. He came home and had oxygen, IV's, more pills. It was overwhelming. Fortunately my mom was a trained nurse so she was able to care for him at home. She taught me everything, and we came up with a great system. She would cover during the day, and when I got home from school, I would spend time with him, him helping me with homework, and I would take care of his injections, and medicine.
It sounds crazy that a 16 year old was responsible for that....but it gave me time with him, that to this day I cherish and thank god for. Then the best thing ever happened....my teachers went on strike! (hey when your in high school and 16 years old it's pretty awesome). But something else happened too...my dad went back into the hospital...he was having trouble breathing. The next 2 weeks of my life are ones I will never forget.
My grandma came down from chatham, so did my aunt and uncle, next thing I know my brother was down....he's in the army...so now I knew it was a big deal. Then the conversation happened. My mom and my Uncle Max sat me down and told me that they were starting him on Morphine to make him more comfortable and it was just a matter of time before he would pass away. There was nothing more the dr's could do for him. I said No that's not right and cried for the rest of the night.
The teachers strike lasted for 2 weeks....which allowed me time to stay at the hospital and spend time with him. I remember some of his last wishes....a beer....and a panzerotti from Tony's, while watching Casablanca, one of his favorite movies.
On November 7, 1997 my dad passed away. My mom and brother came home from the hospital and I just knew. No words were needed. One of the saddest days of my life. Next was a whirlwind of people. People I didn't know...people I didn't want to see....tons of people. Alot of people ask me if I rebelled after that....not really...the worst I did was sneak into my brother Steven's room and steal a cigarette....tried to smoke it but just got sick.
My mom and I were inseperable after that. My dad wrote a letter to alot of people saying goodbye...and we read it together after everyone was gone and we were alone. I still have that letter in his bible and it stays close to me always. I still can't read it without crying.
The funeral came the next day it was what he wanted. I remember I didn't cry until they played that song...by boz skaggs...close the window i think it was called....then i couldn't stop crying. I remember we walked out of the service and I collapsed into my brothers arms for I don't know how long just sobbing.
Life went on as it does. My mom and I bonded over everything. Became best friends. She helped me with my first love and first heartbreak. We had shopping Thursdays, and would have dinner out just the two of us. It was awesome . I love those memories.
Loosing my dad was horrible. I will always remember him, and he is my hero, and I strive to live everyday as he would have lived his days...to the fullest. I can only hope that he is up there watching over me and is proud of me. I've made mistakes in my life, but i've learned from them and although have done things that i'm not really proud of, i've grown up and I know in my heart that he is right beside me.
I will forever be daddy's little girl...and nothing can or will change that.
thanks for reading
JM
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