....it's like learning to walk all over again....

I recently heard an interview with Melissa Rivers....and she said something that i've said numerous times. "I have to learn how to live without my mother...and it's not easy".  I've been saying this alot in the last year, and when I do is met with the typical..."it's ok", "you'll be fine", "you'll get through it".
Hearing someone else say it...was almost a validation...not a told you so...but personally for me, it was almost like saying "ok i'm not crazy".

For 32 years I had my mom. If I was sad I'd call her. Mad, Angry, Lonely, Confused. Literally any feeling in the world I had, I would call my mom.  Sometimes she would drive me nuts with her response (usually "i told you so"). I still go to pick up the phone to call her.
It's hard to wake up one day and have a new life.  New expectations, new people new hopes and dreams. The moment I knew my mom was gone, I was alone with her. The room was spinning and I honestly didn't know what I was supposed to do.  I was looking at her lifeless in bed, and I wanted to just go back in time and do something...anything...different. But alas, life isn't a tv show or movie, and that isn't possible.  The only thing you can do is mourn, and try and move on.  But how do you do that when you feel alone. Orphaned.

I'm an orphan.  I had to figure out what I was supposed to do now. I think I did an ok job. I surrounded myself with people I knew would support me and be there. Who could share memories and laugh and cry with me. Sure there were some bad apples in the bag....but that goes with any situation.

So the question is still there..."How do I learn to live without my mom?"
You just do.  She taught me to be a fighter.  She taught me that life is not easy. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But it's worth it. So I fight. I fight scary feelings, I fight the urge to drive to her apartment. I fight until I have no fight left. Which trust me, happens. Those days are rough, but have come less and less in the last year. 

People who loose limbs often suffer from "Phantom Limb Syndrome". I was reading about this the other day...why I don't know...but it got me really thinking. I often have moments where life seems like it was 13 months ago.  I forget that my mom is gone. I forget that she went to sleep one night and never woke up again.  I forget that she left me. It never last long...the forget...and they are awesome moments...that is until they aren't. Once you are brought back to reality it's like loosing her all over again.

I look at her picture every day. I've even started talking to her more. I miss her more than ever...but she is with me. She is beside me. Walking with me, still teaching me to be strong and fight.