...How are you....

The age old question....How are you?
I'm sure you hear it a hundred times a day from strangers...cashier at the store, an old friend you haven't seen in awhile, spouse, parents. It can go from a reflex question to a genuine question.

I've often thought of telling the truth. How many times have you been asked that you just answered by reflex...."i'm...good/ok/great".  Well in the last year this question has been asked to me probably an average of a million times.

Don't get me wrong, it's a part of life. It is a "courtesy" in a way.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if you told the truth about how you are feeling in that moment? I have. In fact upon reflecting on this I realized that there is only one person in my life that I can be 100% honest about when asked that question.  My husband.

One year ago the answer for me was, alone, angry, lost, confused, pissed off, and sad. I went through those thoughts of why am I still here.  How am I supposed to go through this alone. Why are all these people looking at me. Find me a hiding place. Dan, my husband, has been a life line for me.  He found me that hiding place, that place noone could stare at me, look at me with pity, that place was in his arms.  I know it's cheesy, but it's the only time I can be real and honest. Because answering "How are you" by saying, miserable, confused, suicidal, it's not something alot of people want to hear. 

I finally came up with a response that works. I don't know.  Straight and to the point. I don't know how I am.  It's the truth.  I'm so many things sometimes I don't know how I am.  I don't know how I'm feeling.

Now don't misunderstand me. I have alot of people in my life that I love and would be lost without. And they all ask how I am...and I'm sooooo grateful for each and everyone of them. But know this.  If you ask someone who is grieving how they are, be prepared for the response. It will probably be an "ok", but know that that OK is two letters that are loaded with feelings and emotions.

Don't let "how are you" be a reflex. Make it be sincere and honest.

JM