......it's been awhile.....

I'm honestly not sure if anyone reads this or not.....I hope so! I hope I can either shed light on what i've been going through for my family and friends, and maybe even help someone else who is confused out there.

I haven't written a post in awhile.  No honest to god great reason for it.  After the one year went by for my mom I went downhill.  Struggling is an understatement.  I pushed everyone away and hid in my "nest". I even stopped seeing my dr and my Councillor. My anxiety took over my life and I let it.  I stopped going to my group meetings every week and when at all possible stayed inside.  Only leaving when I was with my husband Dan.

This is NOT healthy.  I'm back on my medication, I'm seeing my dr and my councillor regularly, so I'm getting back to my old self.  Do I still miss my mom....every single day.  But I can say that now I can go an hour at a time and not think of her and miss her so much my heart hurts.

Tonight something interesting happened.  I was at my good friends house, and we were watching the kids play outside.  Her neighbour came over to visit.  She is my mom's age, and we all sat there and chatted.  I remember thinking to myself that this woman sounds extremely interesting.  And when she went to leave, it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my mom. Nothing in particular.  Nothing I can say exactly....the way she talked, her coffee, how when she talked of her grandchild her eyes lit up.  Nothing like that.  I think it was just her presence.

I'm watching everyone's lives move on around me and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes i'm jealous. This is the first time in my life where I have no one to worry about except myself.  I just realized this and it's quite a revelation.  Dan and I are going to be embarking on alot of new changes over the next few years, and I'm very excited for it.

For the first time in a year and a half i'm excited for the future....excited to live my life with 2 guardian angels on my shoulders, whispering in my ear.   I will still have my bad days....but I'm looking forward to the good ones.

JM