A huge part of my grieving process has involved not just my family and friends, but also my husband, Dan. We got married June 2009, just celebrated 6 years together!
Our wedding day was perfect. I remember everything about it...it was my second wedding...second marriage...and at first I was ashamed of that, but thanks to my mom I took my first wedding, marriage, husband and I learned from it. I learned so much about myself and what I really wanted out of my life. Our wedding day I vowed to myself to remember every moment, to cherish every second with our family. 6 years later I can still remember waiting with my brother to walk down the aisle. With a deep breath and alittle tug from him, we started. I made eye contact with Dan and it was like we were the only two people in the room. The smile on his face, the look in his eyes, was all I needed.
Now obviously when you get married you don't think of all the bad things you are going to go through in a lifetime together. Especially saying those vows, you don't expect to have to live through hell. Your just thinking of the fun times...vacations, weekends, special times together....kids....
Don't get me wrong, our 6 years of marriage hasn't been hell. We have had a lifetime of ups and downs, and have gotten through things that I would have never imagined. We've taken every vow we said that day and lived through it. But after coming out of the otherside of everything we are better people individually and together because of everything.
Kids...oh I love that question. 6 years married and we still get that same question...where are the kids? when are you going to start? your not getting any younger! There's still some time! Yup we get it all the time. It used to hurt, and sometimes still does. Let me catch you up...
When we started our relationship we agreed we both wanted kids. 2 or 3. We wanted to be parents, we wanted to make our parents grandparents. We wanted to experience every part of having children that most couples go through. Well what we got is not what we expected. We have been through 11 miscarriages. Only a couple people close to us actually know about this. We kept very very private about it. Not even our parents knew. The last time was a vasectomy that didn't work. We got that fixed immediately! But the time before was the biggest. It was the one and only that I told my mom. We found out we were pregnant a week before my grandma died. Didn't tell a soul. I decided this was it and I would tell my mom. She had mixed emotions. See I was sick and on alot of medication, and financially it was a horrible time for us. A few days before we left to be with my grandma I had a miscarriage...the worst by far. I had was is referred to as a "tubal" pregnancy or an Ectopic Pregnancy. I was poked and proded and was very fortunate that it was early and they could give me medication to "clear the problem". I love the terms they use. It was the most painful....physically and emotionally yet.
It was finally discovered or "disagnosed" that I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
With my moms help and support we made the decision that children were not in our future and Dan had no problems, or second thoughts getting a vasectomy. He didn't want to see me in that pain anymore. Now sure we can adopt. But realistically I don't see that happening. So we have decided to enjoy our life as a couple. And we get to have our neice and nephew for sleepovers which gives us a kid fix!
Fast Forward a year and we are in the car driving....I have no idea what started the conversation but we were talking about when my mom dies how I will be a complete mess. She died that night.
That morning, as every morning when I didn't get to my mom, Dan would always say the same thing...she's fine don't worry. But my gut knew better. And when we pulled into the driveway and her window was still open I knew. I think he knew on some level as well, but didn't want to admit it.
That morning is a whirlwind, and I still think of it everyday, and that is ok. Sometimes I even remember things I couldn't remember before. The 9-1-1 call for example. When she didn't respond to me I called 911 right away. I told the operator where I was and that I needed them to hurry. She started asking me questions and i kept trying to wake my mom up. It wasn't working....she was ice cold. I shut the window....the operator told me to roll her over and started telling me how to do CPR. She wasn't listening to me. I know CPR. That wasn't the problem. The problem was my mom was laying there ice cold and so stiff I couldn't roll her over. Dan came in at this point and I gave him the phone. I went into the living room and started screaming and sobbing. He rolled her over finally and we knew right away. No doubt. He held me until I pushed him away. She was going to be fine. The paramedics would fix her and it would be fine. Denial.
Dan was amazing that day. He made phone calls to people I wouldn't have even thought about. Changed our day and responsibilities....I ran a daycare...I had kids coming....we were supposed to doggy sit for his cousin...He thought of it all. He held my hand at the funeral home. He drove me around and stepped in when something was just too much. I had an opportunity to see her the next day. Just me. So I took it. Dan came with me and held my hand and told me nothing was stupid and everything that we said and did was ours with her. He slept on the floor next to the couch in her apartment for 3 weeks holding my hand, and staying up with me all night while I cried and tried to deal with it.
To say he is my rock is an understatement. Dan is my guardian angel. He is my best friend. I don't know where I would be without him. He loves my mom as if she were is own. and I know she approved of him. He is still there for me when I need him, and I know he will be for the rest of our lives.
Dan,
Thank you for being on this jouney with me. Thank you for being who you are. I love you more than anything, and you are my everything. Your my yogi bear, and i'll forever be your boo boo.
-Jenn
JM
No comments:
Post a Comment