I think i've mentioned before that I see a councillor every couple weeks, to help sort out my thoughts and feelings and work on healthy ways to "control" them and handle them.
He asked me something interesting this last visit. Who was my first call? That morning after I found my mom....who did I call? Well I went with the obvious answer...911. Of course that is not what he meant and I knew that, when I really thought of it I knew who it was. When I told him, he didn't seem surprised. My first thoughts after the initial omg why is this happening, was oh god Josh and Aynslei.
See my first call was to my good friend Ashley. As bad as I knew the situation was, and even though I knew my life had changed forever, the one thing I had to do was talk to my friend. She was always my voice of reason. She has 2 beautiful children, Josh and Aynslei, who mean the world to me...but who also meant the world to my mom. They called her Nana Brenda, and although Aynslei was too little to understand, I knew Josh would understand better, and I was dreading that.
If I remember correctly, the phone call was quick, to the point. I had police and firemen, and EMTs swirling around me. It was a crazy time. But I remember talking to Ashley and having a wave of calm come over me....like no matter what I knew I had my friends to lean on.
What I didn't realize was how much I would in fact come to lean on her in the weeks and months to come.
She helped me plan the memorial, find the location, buy all the stuff I needed to buy. She was on top of papers I need to fill out and quick to remind me of things I still had to do. I would have been lost without her and probably still crying every night and to be honest.....probably not even here anymore.
Ashley stepped up when she didn't have to. She stood next to me and behind me to give me a swift kick in the butt when I needed it (she's still realllllly good at this!) The last year and a half has been full of alot of ups and downs, but she has been there through it all.
Recently her son Josh, was asking me questions, and said if I didn't have Uncle Dan then I would live alone...I agreed yes...thinking this was not going to end well....but then he said, "well you wouldn't be alone, because you would have me and Aynslei, and Mommy and Daddy and we are family too!" That was by far one of the sweetest things that little boy has ever said to me. But he is right. They are not just friends. They are family.
Thank you truly doesn't seem like enough. I feel I can never repay her for what she has done for me. I love her to death, and she really is like a sister to me...a little pesky sister! Her and her husband have been a life line for us, and the kids mean everything to Dan and I.
This in no way diminshes the things that everyone has done for me. Her co-workers and friends were incredible. Helped me with little details like food for the memorial.
My brother dropped everything and came here to help me and support me. He was my voice of reason, he helped me to see that even though I lost the most important person in my life, I still had alot of family and friends left. His wife, my sister-in-law, has been an incredible life line for me. They live far away, but I know that I can message her or even call her anytime and even though she is very busy she will always respond, and help bring me back to reality. She reminds me of the things I need to remember and hold on to during those tough times.
My sisters, who at the time I didn't talk much with, came to support me. In fact one thing I remember, is at my moms memorial service. We sat down for it to begin and I sat with Dan, but noone sat next to me. I was confused. I sat there thinking this is it...this is what it's going to be like...Dan and I...then something happened. My oldest sister came in with her daughter. She sat right next to me and took my hand. She probably doesn't even remember this, or realize what an impact that had on me. It meant the world to me.
And well Dan.....I think that will have to wait until my next blog post!
JM
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