....i've had a breakthrough...well 2 really!.....

Part of my anxiety is that I tend to do anything and everything to avoid situations, people, and definitly confrontation.  Well this past week I have had not only 1 but 2 breakthroughs.

First I was able to call our landlord and find out some information.  Easy right? Yeah it is....for most people it is quite simple. But for someone with extreme anxiety it's a nightmare.  But I did it...it was not a pleasant call and I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it...and the best part is I did it without thinking about it.  I didn't have to plan the conversation, and possible answers or questions.  I just did it.  I was spontaneous and I did it.

Second breakthough is quite abit more exciting.  We are going to be moving, so we went to the store to get moving boxes.  Well going to the store with Dan has...90% of the time....been fairly simple.  As long as Dan is with me i'm ok.  He left me alone. And had be checkout with some of the things we had wanted....by myself! Again something that some people do weekly or even daily...and really don't think twice about doing it.  For me that was a huge accomplishment. 

For the first time in over a year I can say I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud that I was able to do these things.  And while I still have anxiety and always will on some level, I know now that it is getting better.  That I am conquering these fears and stepping on them one at a time.

Now for the bigger question....can I do them again? I'm sure I could and i'm sure I will someday. 
Don't misunderstand.....the anxiety is still there.  And it's huge. it's like a giant monster that is attatched to me.  But this is progress...these things made me feel good about myself again. I'm getting back to my old self, and I have to admit....i've really missed her!

JM

......it's been awhile.....

I'm honestly not sure if anyone reads this or not.....I hope so! I hope I can either shed light on what i've been going through for my family and friends, and maybe even help someone else who is confused out there.

I haven't written a post in awhile.  No honest to god great reason for it.  After the one year went by for my mom I went downhill.  Struggling is an understatement.  I pushed everyone away and hid in my "nest". I even stopped seeing my dr and my Councillor. My anxiety took over my life and I let it.  I stopped going to my group meetings every week and when at all possible stayed inside.  Only leaving when I was with my husband Dan.

This is NOT healthy.  I'm back on my medication, I'm seeing my dr and my councillor regularly, so I'm getting back to my old self.  Do I still miss my mom....every single day.  But I can say that now I can go an hour at a time and not think of her and miss her so much my heart hurts.

Tonight something interesting happened.  I was at my good friends house, and we were watching the kids play outside.  Her neighbour came over to visit.  She is my mom's age, and we all sat there and chatted.  I remember thinking to myself that this woman sounds extremely interesting.  And when she went to leave, it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my mom. Nothing in particular.  Nothing I can say exactly....the way she talked, her coffee, how when she talked of her grandchild her eyes lit up.  Nothing like that.  I think it was just her presence.

I'm watching everyone's lives move on around me and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes i'm jealous. This is the first time in my life where I have no one to worry about except myself.  I just realized this and it's quite a revelation.  Dan and I are going to be embarking on alot of new changes over the next few years, and I'm very excited for it.

For the first time in a year and a half i'm excited for the future....excited to live my life with 2 guardian angels on my shoulders, whispering in my ear.   I will still have my bad days....but I'm looking forward to the good ones.

JM