...dealing with anxiety and panic.....

I thought it was time to add some new "content" to this blog.  I have come to terms with the fact that I will be grieving for the rest of my life....sometimes it will be easy sometimes hard, sometimes impossible.  But now 2 years later it's not my entire life.  It doesn't always consume my entire day, or all of my thoughts.

That being said, I want to talk about my anxiety and panic disorder.  So many people don't believe something so "ridiculous" even exists.

"It's all in your head!"
"Just get over it"
"Suck it up and move on"

Those are some of the common phrases I hear. Some said to my face, and i'm sure many more said behind my back.  All of which is ok.

See my situation is kind of interesting.

Loosing my grandma, my mom, and my aunt so quickly. It broke me, as you know. It forced me to retreat and it also forced me to cling to the one constant in my life.  My husband Dan.  2 years later what that means is that leaving the house is near impossible.  Some days are great, I can take the puppies for a walk, get out and enjoy some fresh air.  Other days I can't even leave the bedroom.
Only one thing changes that.  Dan.  If I'm with Dan I'm fine.  I can go anywhere, do anything.  I know it's not healthy.  I know I shouldn't put that pressure on Dan.  He works so hard for us.  And I hate that I depend so much on him.  The thought has crossed my mind ....what would I do if something ever happened to him.

There are other variances to it of course, if we have our friends kids over, I'm fine.  I can go out with them and do anything with them.  I think it's that I'm responsible for them, and I would walk through fire for those kids.

I've made a difficult decision.  I'm going to start seeing my social worker again.  I stopped because i thought I was ok.  Grief wise, i'm "ok". but I need to be able to leave my house, without my husband.  I know to some it may seem silly that this was a difficult decision, but everything seems to be climbing a mountain anymore.

Between all of this, i'm planning the burial for my mom.  I've put it off for 2 years for no reason, except I wasn't ready.  I feel as if I've been selfish.  It's time.  I need to bury her with my dad.  I have every confidence they are up in heaven together reunited and healthy and watching over me and my brother and sisters.

I will end this here....more soon..

JM