This blog entry will be my hardest. I've even debated even writing it, but I know selfishly it will be good for me, but more so I hope that I can reach even one person who might be having the same feelings or thoughts or experience. To let them know they are not alone.
To start I should explain what my biggest fear in the world was.
Friday, January 24, 2014 started out like any other day...got up and ready for the day and called my mom. I called my mom every single day...every morning, would talk to her at lunch, and then we would talk 3-5 times a night. It may seem excessive to some people, but it was just our way. We were close...best friends. Anyway, that morning I tried calling her over and over and over again...no answer. That wasn't like her. Maybe she was on the phone...maybe she was in the bathroom....taking garbage out....all these thoughts went through my head.
Dan and I jump in the car and race over to her apartment, because I'm "over reacting". This was typical of me...She had heart problems, so I was always worried about her. We pulled into the driveway of her apartment building. I look up to her bedroom window and I knew. Her curtain wasn't closed. She always closed her curtain so my daycare kids could nap. We parked and I ran into the building and into the elevator where I started sobbing.
I ran to her door...it was locked...I knocked...hear nothing. I have a key of course, so I let myself in and look...I see her laying in bed...oh ok! She over slept...not like her but ok. I walk into her room, and try and shake her awake. I start yelling and grab my phone and call 911. I touched her face...she was so cold...freezing. She was laying on her stomach and the 911 operator kept telling me to roll her over....I couldn't. Dan comes up and I give him the phone and leave the room.
I'm panicked. I can't live without my mom! No she's ok...paramedics are coming and they will fix her...i kept saying that over and over again. After what felt like an eternity paramedics, firemen, and police were there.
2 Paramedics came out of them room and told me there was nothing they could do. She was gone. "I'm so sorry for your loss". I heard it over and over, i even understood it. But no! She was fine! Either this was a bad dream and i'm going to wake up or they are lying to me and she is really ok.
"I'm not ready to do this without her". I remember saying that over and over.
Dan called family and friends and made arrangements for the day. I sat in the chair holding her scarf and looking at her shoes. I found a note asking Dan to put $5.00 on her laundry card. Her lunch was made in the fridge for work. Her clothes were laying out. But she wouldn't wake up.
Can I go back in time? Can I just reverse this so I can do something different? What did I do to deserve this? Who am I going to call when I need help or advice? Who's going to call me out when I'm being stupid?
It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She was supposed to be around for longer. We had made a grocery list the night before. We had made plans for the weekend. Why the hell was this happening?
After a few hours, I was surrounded my friends and family. I should mention we were in her apartment where she was still laying in the next room. Police were still there. I had to give a statement, and we were waiting for a coroner to declare her deceased.
Finally he came, Massive Heart Attack. There was nothing anyone could do. It was very quick.
Those are the words I'm supposed to take and feel comfort from apparently. We were able to take a few minutes with her before the funeral home took her. I cried and cried. Finally she was taken out and was on her way to the funeral home. The next day I had an opportunity to see her and "spend time with her". Our funeral home was very accommodating and I'm so grateful for that. Dan and I went and we got to see her. She looked "better" than she did the morning I found her. She looked peaceful.....she looked at rest. It was reassuring for me. I fixed her hair and talked to her. I said good bye to my mom. My best friend in the whole world. I said goodbye to the most amazing woman I had ever known. A woman that I can only hope and pray I can be even half of. Because I know if I can be then I will be ok.
The next 2 weeks, with help from family and friends, I arranged her service, dealt with bills, people, and paperwork. I slept on her couch for those 2 weeks. I wanted to be close to her. We finally went home, but it was different now. My life was different.
Everyone around me restarted their lives. I sat in the past. I stood beside her bed staring at her lifeless body. Wondering why? why did she leave me? why didn't she just go see a dr? why did I need to be an orphan. Yup I was an orphan.
Fast forward 1 year, and I'm still sad. I still have those questions. I still don't understand why she isn't here with me. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. I close my eyes and see her laying there....happens alot. But I know that all of that is ok.
Grief is a very personal journey. It's a huge amount of work and physically and emotionally draining. I don't even know if it's worth it in the end. I feel like I've spent the majority of my life grieving for somebody. And my grieving for my mom will never end. The hole that she left in my heart and in my life will forever be there. But you know what? That is ok. I know that hole is there, and I'm slowly learning how to live my life without her in it physically. I'm learning how to move on with a hole in my heart and my life.
JM
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