My dad's name is Gerry. Growing up we lived in a house with a big back yard and a huge deck....that he built! I loved that house...I remember the day we moved into it...it was so big...and I was so little! I thought it was awesome and was so excited. I remember my dad asking me if I liked it and I jumped up and hugged him. My dad was a long haul truck driver. That meant that a lot of the times he would be gone all week and we would only see him on weekends. I hated it. My mom and I were not close and she certainly wasn't my favorite person at this point in my life.
He would leave on sunday nights and I would crawl into bed with my mom so I could feel close to my daddy.
His first heart attack I remember. I was young...6 or 7 maybe. I remember my mom waking me up and driving us to the hospital. I remember not knowing what was happening and angry that I was waken up and put into the car. I even remember sitting in the hospital with my mom...snuggled up sleeping...no idea or clue how serious the situation was. That was the first of many attacks he would have.
Time went on, he retired eventually and I was so happy. He was home all the time...I could come home from school at lunch and he would always make me something exciting....hotdogs in Kraft Dinner or bacon on grilled cheese (that didn't go over so good!).
I have 3 "half siblings". I put quotes because I don't think of them like that. They all lived with us during some point of my growing up. The one I remember the most is my sister Sherry. I wanted to be just like her. Everything she did I had to do. I remember sneaking into her bedroom and listening to her New Kids On The Block tape...yes not a cd or mp3...a cassette tape....trying to remember the words so she would think I was cool. I would try and get her in trouble and she did the same with me...i'm sure she thought I was just some pesky little sister. I think my dad secretly loved this, even though I know we drove him nuts.
I finally went to high school and became a teenager....this is when things started to change at home. My dad's health started to get worse, and soon he was limited to just the upstairs. Going up and down stairs was just impossible for him....I wasn't used to this...the same man that I remember carrying me on his shoulders taking me to bed...was stuck on the upstairs level of our house.
The decision was made to move. We moved into an apartment and I was heart broken. Not only was my dad sick but now I had to leave the house that I grew up in and loved. I got a new room that had it's own balcony....pretty cool! It all worked out fine.
My dad was in and out of the hospital, and finally we got a hospital bed in his room, he had his own bathroom and my mom and I had setup a whole system in his room. We had a huge table and his medicine was all layed out. In August 1997 he went into the hospital via an ambulance. It was real now. He came home and had oxygen, IV's, more pills. It was overwhelming. Fortunately my mom was a trained nurse so she was able to care for him at home. She taught me everything, and we came up with a great system. She would cover during the day, and when I got home from school, I would spend time with him, him helping me with homework, and I would take care of his injections, and medicine.
It sounds crazy that a 16 year old was responsible for that....but it gave me time with him, that to this day I cherish and thank god for. Then the best thing ever happened....my teachers went on strike! (hey when your in high school and 16 years old it's pretty awesome). But something else happened too...my dad went back into the hospital...he was having trouble breathing. The next 2 weeks of my life are ones I will never forget.
My grandma came down from chatham, so did my aunt and uncle, next thing I know my brother was down....he's in the army...so now I knew it was a big deal. Then the conversation happened. My mom and my Uncle Max sat me down and told me that they were starting him on Morphine to make him more comfortable and it was just a matter of time before he would pass away. There was nothing more the dr's could do for him. I said No that's not right and cried for the rest of the night.
The teachers strike lasted for 2 weeks....which allowed me time to stay at the hospital and spend time with him. I remember some of his last wishes....a beer....and a panzerotti from Tony's, while watching Casablanca, one of his favorite movies.
On November 7, 1997 my dad passed away. My mom and brother came home from the hospital and I just knew. No words were needed. One of the saddest days of my life. Next was a whirlwind of people. People I didn't know...people I didn't want to see....tons of people. Alot of people ask me if I rebelled after that....not really...the worst I did was sneak into my brother Steven's room and steal a cigarette....tried to smoke it but just got sick.
My mom and I were inseperable after that. My dad wrote a letter to alot of people saying goodbye...and we read it together after everyone was gone and we were alone. I still have that letter in his bible and it stays close to me always. I still can't read it without crying.
The funeral came the next day it was what he wanted. I remember I didn't cry until they played that song...by boz skaggs...close the window i think it was called....then i couldn't stop crying. I remember we walked out of the service and I collapsed into my brothers arms for I don't know how long just sobbing.
Life went on as it does. My mom and I bonded over everything. Became best friends. She helped me with my first love and first heartbreak. We had shopping Thursdays, and would have dinner out just the two of us. It was awesome . I love those memories.
Loosing my dad was horrible. I will always remember him, and he is my hero, and I strive to live everyday as he would have lived his days...to the fullest. I can only hope that he is up there watching over me and is proud of me. I've made mistakes in my life, but i've learned from them and although have done things that i'm not really proud of, i've grown up and I know in my heart that he is right beside me.
I will forever be daddy's little girl...and nothing can or will change that.
thanks for reading
JM
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