My experience with grief started many years ago...really before I even understood anything. 6 years old saying goodbye to my grandpa. I don't remember too much except clinging to my dad and watching my mom be so sad. Next I was 9 years old and my dad's mom died. My grandma H. This time is was more real. I understood more and I remember the funeral and I remember silly stuff like my sister daring me to touch her. But what I remember the most is watching my Grandpa. Watching him touch her hand and sob. Losing his love. It became real for me then.
Fast forward 6 years and it's that time again. This time my grandpa H. The man I had watched mourn his wife...his life long love. Now I watched my dad sob into my moms arms and I was scared. My dad...my amazing dad who was so strong and smart was a puddle of tears and pain.
7 months later the unthinkable happened. My dad died. I was 16. Way too young to have had so much grief, but there it was. I remember the last time I saw my dad. We were at the hospital and my mom said it was time to go home. I knew in my heart it was the last time I would see him alive. I had to shake him awake so I could say goodbye. I held it together and once I was in the hallway with my mom I broke down. Sobbing in the hall. I had just said goodbye to the most amazing man in the world....a man who had taught me kindness, and forgiveness. A man who was supposed to stay and take care of me...was leaving. He died the next morning.
Now it was me and my mom against the world.....which would have been fine, however my mom and I never got along! But something happened...something changed that day. We clung to each other crying missing dad...her missing the love of her life....her heart. My life changed that day. My mom became my best friend. My everything.
Life went on as it does. I graduated high school, got married, got divorced. Got married again. (still happily married 6 years later!) I grew up. My mom was still my best friend...we were so close...it was the best relationship ever. We had survivor nights, and every saturday we would get groceries together. We even lived across the hall in the same apartment building for 3 years.
2012 comes and my grandma gets sick. We loose her on April 13. She was so amazing. I sat beside her with my family and held her hand when she passed. First time in my life I prayed for god to come and take her, to make her safe and happy and take her to be with my grandpa.
That rocked our family. My mom was a mess. Her mom was gone. Her parents were both gone. She didn't know what to do. Over the next couple years I watched her mourn and grieve for her loss. I wish I had known then what I know now.
On January 24, 2014 I woke up thinking it was just like any other day. Nope. I soon learned it was a day that I would never forget. I tried calling my mom and she wouldn't answer....we drive over there and I find her in bed. She was gone. There was nothing I could do. This day has changed my life. It's almost 1 year to the day and it feels like it was yesterday. So many times I go to pick up the phone to call her and tell her something exciting. It's normal of course, but once the realization comes across you, it's just like she's died all over again.
thanks for reading...more soon....
JM
No comments:
Post a Comment