A huge part of my grieving process has involved not just my family and friends, but also my husband, Dan. We got married June 2009, just celebrated 6 years together!
Our wedding day was perfect. I remember everything about it...it was my second wedding...second marriage...and at first I was ashamed of that, but thanks to my mom I took my first wedding, marriage, husband and I learned from it. I learned so much about myself and what I really wanted out of my life. Our wedding day I vowed to myself to remember every moment, to cherish every second with our family. 6 years later I can still remember waiting with my brother to walk down the aisle. With a deep breath and alittle tug from him, we started. I made eye contact with Dan and it was like we were the only two people in the room. The smile on his face, the look in his eyes, was all I needed.
Now obviously when you get married you don't think of all the bad things you are going to go through in a lifetime together. Especially saying those vows, you don't expect to have to live through hell. Your just thinking of the fun times...vacations, weekends, special times together....kids....
Don't get me wrong, our 6 years of marriage hasn't been hell. We have had a lifetime of ups and downs, and have gotten through things that I would have never imagined. We've taken every vow we said that day and lived through it. But after coming out of the otherside of everything we are better people individually and together because of everything.
Kids...oh I love that question. 6 years married and we still get that same question...where are the kids? when are you going to start? your not getting any younger! There's still some time! Yup we get it all the time. It used to hurt, and sometimes still does. Let me catch you up...
When we started our relationship we agreed we both wanted kids. 2 or 3. We wanted to be parents, we wanted to make our parents grandparents. We wanted to experience every part of having children that most couples go through. Well what we got is not what we expected. We have been through 11 miscarriages. Only a couple people close to us actually know about this. We kept very very private about it. Not even our parents knew. The last time was a vasectomy that didn't work. We got that fixed immediately! But the time before was the biggest. It was the one and only that I told my mom. We found out we were pregnant a week before my grandma died. Didn't tell a soul. I decided this was it and I would tell my mom. She had mixed emotions. See I was sick and on alot of medication, and financially it was a horrible time for us. A few days before we left to be with my grandma I had a miscarriage...the worst by far. I had was is referred to as a "tubal" pregnancy or an Ectopic Pregnancy. I was poked and proded and was very fortunate that it was early and they could give me medication to "clear the problem". I love the terms they use. It was the most painful....physically and emotionally yet.
It was finally discovered or "disagnosed" that I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
With my moms help and support we made the decision that children were not in our future and Dan had no problems, or second thoughts getting a vasectomy. He didn't want to see me in that pain anymore. Now sure we can adopt. But realistically I don't see that happening. So we have decided to enjoy our life as a couple. And we get to have our neice and nephew for sleepovers which gives us a kid fix!
Fast Forward a year and we are in the car driving....I have no idea what started the conversation but we were talking about when my mom dies how I will be a complete mess. She died that night.
That morning, as every morning when I didn't get to my mom, Dan would always say the same thing...she's fine don't worry. But my gut knew better. And when we pulled into the driveway and her window was still open I knew. I think he knew on some level as well, but didn't want to admit it.
That morning is a whirlwind, and I still think of it everyday, and that is ok. Sometimes I even remember things I couldn't remember before. The 9-1-1 call for example. When she didn't respond to me I called 911 right away. I told the operator where I was and that I needed them to hurry. She started asking me questions and i kept trying to wake my mom up. It wasn't working....she was ice cold. I shut the window....the operator told me to roll her over and started telling me how to do CPR. She wasn't listening to me. I know CPR. That wasn't the problem. The problem was my mom was laying there ice cold and so stiff I couldn't roll her over. Dan came in at this point and I gave him the phone. I went into the living room and started screaming and sobbing. He rolled her over finally and we knew right away. No doubt. He held me until I pushed him away. She was going to be fine. The paramedics would fix her and it would be fine. Denial.
Dan was amazing that day. He made phone calls to people I wouldn't have even thought about. Changed our day and responsibilities....I ran a daycare...I had kids coming....we were supposed to doggy sit for his cousin...He thought of it all. He held my hand at the funeral home. He drove me around and stepped in when something was just too much. I had an opportunity to see her the next day. Just me. So I took it. Dan came with me and held my hand and told me nothing was stupid and everything that we said and did was ours with her. He slept on the floor next to the couch in her apartment for 3 weeks holding my hand, and staying up with me all night while I cried and tried to deal with it.
To say he is my rock is an understatement. Dan is my guardian angel. He is my best friend. I don't know where I would be without him. He loves my mom as if she were is own. and I know she approved of him. He is still there for me when I need him, and I know he will be for the rest of our lives.
Dan,
Thank you for being on this jouney with me. Thank you for being who you are. I love you more than anything, and you are my everything. Your my yogi bear, and i'll forever be your boo boo.
-Jenn
JM
Wednesday 15 July 2015
Sunday 12 July 2015
.....my friends and family.....
I think i've mentioned before that I see a councillor every couple weeks, to help sort out my thoughts and feelings and work on healthy ways to "control" them and handle them.
He asked me something interesting this last visit. Who was my first call? That morning after I found my mom....who did I call? Well I went with the obvious answer...911. Of course that is not what he meant and I knew that, when I really thought of it I knew who it was. When I told him, he didn't seem surprised. My first thoughts after the initial omg why is this happening, was oh god Josh and Aynslei.
See my first call was to my good friend Ashley. As bad as I knew the situation was, and even though I knew my life had changed forever, the one thing I had to do was talk to my friend. She was always my voice of reason. She has 2 beautiful children, Josh and Aynslei, who mean the world to me...but who also meant the world to my mom. They called her Nana Brenda, and although Aynslei was too little to understand, I knew Josh would understand better, and I was dreading that.
If I remember correctly, the phone call was quick, to the point. I had police and firemen, and EMTs swirling around me. It was a crazy time. But I remember talking to Ashley and having a wave of calm come over me....like no matter what I knew I had my friends to lean on.
What I didn't realize was how much I would in fact come to lean on her in the weeks and months to come.
She helped me plan the memorial, find the location, buy all the stuff I needed to buy. She was on top of papers I need to fill out and quick to remind me of things I still had to do. I would have been lost without her and probably still crying every night and to be honest.....probably not even here anymore.
Ashley stepped up when she didn't have to. She stood next to me and behind me to give me a swift kick in the butt when I needed it (she's still realllllly good at this!) The last year and a half has been full of alot of ups and downs, but she has been there through it all.
Recently her son Josh, was asking me questions, and said if I didn't have Uncle Dan then I would live alone...I agreed yes...thinking this was not going to end well....but then he said, "well you wouldn't be alone, because you would have me and Aynslei, and Mommy and Daddy and we are family too!" That was by far one of the sweetest things that little boy has ever said to me. But he is right. They are not just friends. They are family.
Thank you truly doesn't seem like enough. I feel I can never repay her for what she has done for me. I love her to death, and she really is like a sister to me...a little pesky sister! Her and her husband have been a life line for us, and the kids mean everything to Dan and I.
This in no way diminshes the things that everyone has done for me. Her co-workers and friends were incredible. Helped me with little details like food for the memorial.
My brother dropped everything and came here to help me and support me. He was my voice of reason, he helped me to see that even though I lost the most important person in my life, I still had alot of family and friends left. His wife, my sister-in-law, has been an incredible life line for me. They live far away, but I know that I can message her or even call her anytime and even though she is very busy she will always respond, and help bring me back to reality. She reminds me of the things I need to remember and hold on to during those tough times.
My sisters, who at the time I didn't talk much with, came to support me. In fact one thing I remember, is at my moms memorial service. We sat down for it to begin and I sat with Dan, but noone sat next to me. I was confused. I sat there thinking this is it...this is what it's going to be like...Dan and I...then something happened. My oldest sister came in with her daughter. She sat right next to me and took my hand. She probably doesn't even remember this, or realize what an impact that had on me. It meant the world to me.
And well Dan.....I think that will have to wait until my next blog post!
JM
He asked me something interesting this last visit. Who was my first call? That morning after I found my mom....who did I call? Well I went with the obvious answer...911. Of course that is not what he meant and I knew that, when I really thought of it I knew who it was. When I told him, he didn't seem surprised. My first thoughts after the initial omg why is this happening, was oh god Josh and Aynslei.
See my first call was to my good friend Ashley. As bad as I knew the situation was, and even though I knew my life had changed forever, the one thing I had to do was talk to my friend. She was always my voice of reason. She has 2 beautiful children, Josh and Aynslei, who mean the world to me...but who also meant the world to my mom. They called her Nana Brenda, and although Aynslei was too little to understand, I knew Josh would understand better, and I was dreading that.
If I remember correctly, the phone call was quick, to the point. I had police and firemen, and EMTs swirling around me. It was a crazy time. But I remember talking to Ashley and having a wave of calm come over me....like no matter what I knew I had my friends to lean on.
What I didn't realize was how much I would in fact come to lean on her in the weeks and months to come.
She helped me plan the memorial, find the location, buy all the stuff I needed to buy. She was on top of papers I need to fill out and quick to remind me of things I still had to do. I would have been lost without her and probably still crying every night and to be honest.....probably not even here anymore.
Ashley stepped up when she didn't have to. She stood next to me and behind me to give me a swift kick in the butt when I needed it (she's still realllllly good at this!) The last year and a half has been full of alot of ups and downs, but she has been there through it all.
Recently her son Josh, was asking me questions, and said if I didn't have Uncle Dan then I would live alone...I agreed yes...thinking this was not going to end well....but then he said, "well you wouldn't be alone, because you would have me and Aynslei, and Mommy and Daddy and we are family too!" That was by far one of the sweetest things that little boy has ever said to me. But he is right. They are not just friends. They are family.
Thank you truly doesn't seem like enough. I feel I can never repay her for what she has done for me. I love her to death, and she really is like a sister to me...a little pesky sister! Her and her husband have been a life line for us, and the kids mean everything to Dan and I.
This in no way diminshes the things that everyone has done for me. Her co-workers and friends were incredible. Helped me with little details like food for the memorial.
My brother dropped everything and came here to help me and support me. He was my voice of reason, he helped me to see that even though I lost the most important person in my life, I still had alot of family and friends left. His wife, my sister-in-law, has been an incredible life line for me. They live far away, but I know that I can message her or even call her anytime and even though she is very busy she will always respond, and help bring me back to reality. She reminds me of the things I need to remember and hold on to during those tough times.
My sisters, who at the time I didn't talk much with, came to support me. In fact one thing I remember, is at my moms memorial service. We sat down for it to begin and I sat with Dan, but noone sat next to me. I was confused. I sat there thinking this is it...this is what it's going to be like...Dan and I...then something happened. My oldest sister came in with her daughter. She sat right next to me and took my hand. She probably doesn't even remember this, or realize what an impact that had on me. It meant the world to me.
And well Dan.....I think that will have to wait until my next blog post!
JM
Sunday 5 July 2015
....i've had a breakthrough...well 2 really!.....
Part of my anxiety is that I tend to do anything and everything to avoid situations, people, and definitly confrontation. Well this past week I have had not only 1 but 2 breakthroughs.
First I was able to call our landlord and find out some information. Easy right? Yeah it is....for most people it is quite simple. But for someone with extreme anxiety it's a nightmare. But I did it...it was not a pleasant call and I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it...and the best part is I did it without thinking about it. I didn't have to plan the conversation, and possible answers or questions. I just did it. I was spontaneous and I did it.
Second breakthough is quite abit more exciting. We are going to be moving, so we went to the store to get moving boxes. Well going to the store with Dan has...90% of the time....been fairly simple. As long as Dan is with me i'm ok. He left me alone. And had be checkout with some of the things we had wanted....by myself! Again something that some people do weekly or even daily...and really don't think twice about doing it. For me that was a huge accomplishment.
For the first time in over a year I can say I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to do these things. And while I still have anxiety and always will on some level, I know now that it is getting better. That I am conquering these fears and stepping on them one at a time.
Now for the bigger question....can I do them again? I'm sure I could and i'm sure I will someday.
Don't misunderstand.....the anxiety is still there. And it's huge. it's like a giant monster that is attatched to me. But this is progress...these things made me feel good about myself again. I'm getting back to my old self, and I have to admit....i've really missed her!
JM
First I was able to call our landlord and find out some information. Easy right? Yeah it is....for most people it is quite simple. But for someone with extreme anxiety it's a nightmare. But I did it...it was not a pleasant call and I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it...and the best part is I did it without thinking about it. I didn't have to plan the conversation, and possible answers or questions. I just did it. I was spontaneous and I did it.
Second breakthough is quite abit more exciting. We are going to be moving, so we went to the store to get moving boxes. Well going to the store with Dan has...90% of the time....been fairly simple. As long as Dan is with me i'm ok. He left me alone. And had be checkout with some of the things we had wanted....by myself! Again something that some people do weekly or even daily...and really don't think twice about doing it. For me that was a huge accomplishment.
For the first time in over a year I can say I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to do these things. And while I still have anxiety and always will on some level, I know now that it is getting better. That I am conquering these fears and stepping on them one at a time.
Now for the bigger question....can I do them again? I'm sure I could and i'm sure I will someday.
Don't misunderstand.....the anxiety is still there. And it's huge. it's like a giant monster that is attatched to me. But this is progress...these things made me feel good about myself again. I'm getting back to my old self, and I have to admit....i've really missed her!
JM
Thursday 2 July 2015
......it's been awhile.....
I'm honestly not sure if anyone reads this or not.....I hope so! I hope I can either shed light on what i've been going through for my family and friends, and maybe even help someone else who is confused out there.
I haven't written a post in awhile. No honest to god great reason for it. After the one year went by for my mom I went downhill. Struggling is an understatement. I pushed everyone away and hid in my "nest". I even stopped seeing my dr and my Councillor. My anxiety took over my life and I let it. I stopped going to my group meetings every week and when at all possible stayed inside. Only leaving when I was with my husband Dan.
This is NOT healthy. I'm back on my medication, I'm seeing my dr and my councillor regularly, so I'm getting back to my old self. Do I still miss my mom....every single day. But I can say that now I can go an hour at a time and not think of her and miss her so much my heart hurts.
Tonight something interesting happened. I was at my good friends house, and we were watching the kids play outside. Her neighbour came over to visit. She is my mom's age, and we all sat there and chatted. I remember thinking to myself that this woman sounds extremely interesting. And when she went to leave, it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my mom. Nothing in particular. Nothing I can say exactly....the way she talked, her coffee, how when she talked of her grandchild her eyes lit up. Nothing like that. I think it was just her presence.
I'm watching everyone's lives move on around me and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes i'm jealous. This is the first time in my life where I have no one to worry about except myself. I just realized this and it's quite a revelation. Dan and I are going to be embarking on alot of new changes over the next few years, and I'm very excited for it.
For the first time in a year and a half i'm excited for the future....excited to live my life with 2 guardian angels on my shoulders, whispering in my ear. I will still have my bad days....but I'm looking forward to the good ones.
JM
I haven't written a post in awhile. No honest to god great reason for it. After the one year went by for my mom I went downhill. Struggling is an understatement. I pushed everyone away and hid in my "nest". I even stopped seeing my dr and my Councillor. My anxiety took over my life and I let it. I stopped going to my group meetings every week and when at all possible stayed inside. Only leaving when I was with my husband Dan.
This is NOT healthy. I'm back on my medication, I'm seeing my dr and my councillor regularly, so I'm getting back to my old self. Do I still miss my mom....every single day. But I can say that now I can go an hour at a time and not think of her and miss her so much my heart hurts.
Tonight something interesting happened. I was at my good friends house, and we were watching the kids play outside. Her neighbour came over to visit. She is my mom's age, and we all sat there and chatted. I remember thinking to myself that this woman sounds extremely interesting. And when she went to leave, it occurred to me how much she reminded me of my mom. Nothing in particular. Nothing I can say exactly....the way she talked, her coffee, how when she talked of her grandchild her eyes lit up. Nothing like that. I think it was just her presence.
I'm watching everyone's lives move on around me and sometimes it hurts, and sometimes i'm jealous. This is the first time in my life where I have no one to worry about except myself. I just realized this and it's quite a revelation. Dan and I are going to be embarking on alot of new changes over the next few years, and I'm very excited for it.
For the first time in a year and a half i'm excited for the future....excited to live my life with 2 guardian angels on my shoulders, whispering in my ear. I will still have my bad days....but I'm looking forward to the good ones.
JM
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