....it's like learning to walk all over again....

I recently heard an interview with Melissa Rivers....and she said something that i've said numerous times. "I have to learn how to live without my mother...and it's not easy".  I've been saying this alot in the last year, and when I do is met with the typical..."it's ok", "you'll be fine", "you'll get through it".
Hearing someone else say it...was almost a validation...not a told you so...but personally for me, it was almost like saying "ok i'm not crazy".

For 32 years I had my mom. If I was sad I'd call her. Mad, Angry, Lonely, Confused. Literally any feeling in the world I had, I would call my mom.  Sometimes she would drive me nuts with her response (usually "i told you so"). I still go to pick up the phone to call her.
It's hard to wake up one day and have a new life.  New expectations, new people new hopes and dreams. The moment I knew my mom was gone, I was alone with her. The room was spinning and I honestly didn't know what I was supposed to do.  I was looking at her lifeless in bed, and I wanted to just go back in time and do something...anything...different. But alas, life isn't a tv show or movie, and that isn't possible.  The only thing you can do is mourn, and try and move on.  But how do you do that when you feel alone. Orphaned.

I'm an orphan.  I had to figure out what I was supposed to do now. I think I did an ok job. I surrounded myself with people I knew would support me and be there. Who could share memories and laugh and cry with me. Sure there were some bad apples in the bag....but that goes with any situation.

So the question is still there..."How do I learn to live without my mom?"
You just do.  She taught me to be a fighter.  She taught me that life is not easy. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But it's worth it. So I fight. I fight scary feelings, I fight the urge to drive to her apartment. I fight until I have no fight left. Which trust me, happens. Those days are rough, but have come less and less in the last year. 

People who loose limbs often suffer from "Phantom Limb Syndrome". I was reading about this the other day...why I don't know...but it got me really thinking. I often have moments where life seems like it was 13 months ago.  I forget that my mom is gone. I forget that she went to sleep one night and never woke up again.  I forget that she left me. It never last long...the forget...and they are awesome moments...that is until they aren't. Once you are brought back to reality it's like loosing her all over again.

I look at her picture every day. I've even started talking to her more. I miss her more than ever...but she is with me. She is beside me. Walking with me, still teaching me to be strong and fight.

...How are you....

The age old question....How are you?
I'm sure you hear it a hundred times a day from strangers...cashier at the store, an old friend you haven't seen in awhile, spouse, parents. It can go from a reflex question to a genuine question.

I've often thought of telling the truth. How many times have you been asked that you just answered by reflex...."i'm...good/ok/great".  Well in the last year this question has been asked to me probably an average of a million times.

Don't get me wrong, it's a part of life. It is a "courtesy" in a way.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if you told the truth about how you are feeling in that moment? I have. In fact upon reflecting on this I realized that there is only one person in my life that I can be 100% honest about when asked that question.  My husband.

One year ago the answer for me was, alone, angry, lost, confused, pissed off, and sad. I went through those thoughts of why am I still here.  How am I supposed to go through this alone. Why are all these people looking at me. Find me a hiding place. Dan, my husband, has been a life line for me.  He found me that hiding place, that place noone could stare at me, look at me with pity, that place was in his arms.  I know it's cheesy, but it's the only time I can be real and honest. Because answering "How are you" by saying, miserable, confused, suicidal, it's not something alot of people want to hear. 

I finally came up with a response that works. I don't know.  Straight and to the point. I don't know how I am.  It's the truth.  I'm so many things sometimes I don't know how I am.  I don't know how I'm feeling.

Now don't misunderstand me. I have alot of people in my life that I love and would be lost without. And they all ask how I am...and I'm sooooo grateful for each and everyone of them. But know this.  If you ask someone who is grieving how they are, be prepared for the response. It will probably be an "ok", but know that that OK is two letters that are loaded with feelings and emotions.

Don't let "how are you" be a reflex. Make it be sincere and honest.

JM

....loosing a grandparent...

I had a fairly "normal" family growing up....well in the sense that I had 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas. By the time I was 15 however, that had dwindled down to 1. My Grandma Smith (my moms mom) was the only grandparent I had from 15 years old on.  She was there when my dad died, helping my mom and I, she watched me go to my prom, and graduate high school.  She watched as I got married and divorced....and get married again.  She supported me and watched me grow into a woman, make mistakes and grow from them.

As I grew older I grew closer to my grandma. She was awesome.  Always joking around and she had the best laugh.  We would watch the Bachelor every monday night and even though she lived 60 minutes away, she would call me when it was done and we would talk about the show. We would talk for hours laughing and joking.  She would call the girls "hussies" and I would laugh.

I remember the stories she would tell of my mom and my uncle when they were growing up.  When we went to visit her we would always go for a drive and go past all her old "stomping grounds" and she would tell us all her memories.

Christmas time was always a special time for us.  She would come down and celebrate with us..staying for a few days.  It was always a blast.  We would have rye and cokes and play cards for hours and hours.  It was the best times and I truly cherish those memories. She loved playing cards. And crafts..well she crochet'd all the time....tried to teach me how to knit...but that just turned into a comedy skit!

Her baking was what inspired me to learn.  She would make the most amazing apple pies. And shortbread cookies...well don't' even get me started! To this day I still can't make them just as she did.  I remember when she tried to teach me how to "crimp" the edge of a pie....it didn't end well!

My grandma was full of life and love.  She taught me what love should look like, and it's because of her I was able to fall in love with Dan and be as happy as I am now with him.

In April 2012 we got a call from my Aunt Sandy that grandma was taken to the hospital.  My mom and I rushed down to be there for her.  We sat by her bedside and held her hand and prayed that she would pull through.  On April 13 she went in for surgery, she came out but we were told it wasn't good.  Her body was tired it was done. They took her to a room where we could surround her and be with her.  I remember the dr wanted to meet with the family so my mom and aunt and uncle all left to talk with him, and left me there.  I held her hand and talked to her. Told her I loved her and that grandpa was waiting for her.  I did my best to not cry.  She looked at me and squeezed my hand.

Everyone came back and shortly after grandma left us.  My mom was broken, and I didn't know how to help her.  A few days later we had her service and we said goodbye. Life went on as usual.

I struggled to grieve for her.  I missed her so much.  My mom was worse of course. I tried to be there for her but it wasn't until I lost her that I understood what she was going through.

My grief for my mom has since "over shadowed" my grief for my grandma, but it's still there.  Losing so many people in such a short time frame is tough.  After my grandma is was my mom, then 6 months later my Aunt Sandy.

It's overwhelming and often confusing.  But that's ok.  One hour at a time...one day at a time.  They are all in my heart and surrounding me. Grief is ok...and it's ok to miss them.

JM

...It's ok to do nothing...grief is hard work...

There is no rule book or guidelines for grief and grieving. One thing people who haven't grieved a major loss in their life is that it is hard work.  Grieving is like a full time job. That is on top of everyday expectations and responsibilities.

When I lost my mom I spent 2 weeks in her apartment. I "slept" on the couch and Dan slept next to me on the floor...he was my lifeline. Maybe it was a mistake to stay there, but I needed to be close to her things. Surround myself with her scent and with her life. Alot of people were ok with it at first, and then were anxious for me to go home.  I did eventually, but I am so thankful I had that time there.

There were times after everything had settled down that I wanted to just lay in bed. Some days I wanted the world to disappear. I wanted to find a quiet place and hide. Other days I made it out to the couch but didn't want to leave it.....just wanted to watch TV all day.  Then I would have a good day.

Well to all those people trying to support someone who is grieving....sometimes doing nothing is ok.  It helps to rest all those emotions and escape even for a few hours. I've heard it all...it's not healthy...don't be doing that...don't isolate yourself.  And I agree.  Everything in moderation.

A year later I still find myself having these days.  And I've learned to take them, because they help make the other days bearable.

It's important to let yourself grieve. Everyone does it in there own way and that's ok.

JM