Tuesday 22 March 2016
Excuse me! I'm Still Grieving.....: ...dealing with anxiety and panic.....
Excuse me! I'm Still Grieving.....: ...dealing with anxiety and panic.....: I thought it was time to add some new "content" to this blog. I have come to terms with the fact that I will be grieving for the ...
...dealing with anxiety and panic.....
I thought it was time to add some new "content" to this blog. I have come to terms with the fact that I will be grieving for the rest of my life....sometimes it will be easy sometimes hard, sometimes impossible. But now 2 years later it's not my entire life. It doesn't always consume my entire day, or all of my thoughts.
That being said, I want to talk about my anxiety and panic disorder. So many people don't believe something so "ridiculous" even exists.
"It's all in your head!"
"Just get over it"
"Suck it up and move on"
Those are some of the common phrases I hear. Some said to my face, and i'm sure many more said behind my back. All of which is ok.
See my situation is kind of interesting.
Loosing my grandma, my mom, and my aunt so quickly. It broke me, as you know. It forced me to retreat and it also forced me to cling to the one constant in my life. My husband Dan. 2 years later what that means is that leaving the house is near impossible. Some days are great, I can take the puppies for a walk, get out and enjoy some fresh air. Other days I can't even leave the bedroom.
Only one thing changes that. Dan. If I'm with Dan I'm fine. I can go anywhere, do anything. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't put that pressure on Dan. He works so hard for us. And I hate that I depend so much on him. The thought has crossed my mind ....what would I do if something ever happened to him.
There are other variances to it of course, if we have our friends kids over, I'm fine. I can go out with them and do anything with them. I think it's that I'm responsible for them, and I would walk through fire for those kids.
I've made a difficult decision. I'm going to start seeing my social worker again. I stopped because i thought I was ok. Grief wise, i'm "ok". but I need to be able to leave my house, without my husband. I know to some it may seem silly that this was a difficult decision, but everything seems to be climbing a mountain anymore.
Between all of this, i'm planning the burial for my mom. I've put it off for 2 years for no reason, except I wasn't ready. I feel as if I've been selfish. It's time. I need to bury her with my dad. I have every confidence they are up in heaven together reunited and healthy and watching over me and my brother and sisters.
I will end this here....more soon..
JM
That being said, I want to talk about my anxiety and panic disorder. So many people don't believe something so "ridiculous" even exists.
"It's all in your head!"
"Just get over it"
"Suck it up and move on"
Those are some of the common phrases I hear. Some said to my face, and i'm sure many more said behind my back. All of which is ok.
See my situation is kind of interesting.
Loosing my grandma, my mom, and my aunt so quickly. It broke me, as you know. It forced me to retreat and it also forced me to cling to the one constant in my life. My husband Dan. 2 years later what that means is that leaving the house is near impossible. Some days are great, I can take the puppies for a walk, get out and enjoy some fresh air. Other days I can't even leave the bedroom.
Only one thing changes that. Dan. If I'm with Dan I'm fine. I can go anywhere, do anything. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't put that pressure on Dan. He works so hard for us. And I hate that I depend so much on him. The thought has crossed my mind ....what would I do if something ever happened to him.
There are other variances to it of course, if we have our friends kids over, I'm fine. I can go out with them and do anything with them. I think it's that I'm responsible for them, and I would walk through fire for those kids.
I've made a difficult decision. I'm going to start seeing my social worker again. I stopped because i thought I was ok. Grief wise, i'm "ok". but I need to be able to leave my house, without my husband. I know to some it may seem silly that this was a difficult decision, but everything seems to be climbing a mountain anymore.
Between all of this, i'm planning the burial for my mom. I've put it off for 2 years for no reason, except I wasn't ready. I feel as if I've been selfish. It's time. I need to bury her with my dad. I have every confidence they are up in heaven together reunited and healthy and watching over me and my brother and sisters.
I will end this here....more soon..
JM
Monday 7 March 2016
....I'm back! Long time....no write!
It's been close to 8 months since I've written a post! Crazy! I was writing these not knowing if anyone was even reading them, and then I checked me email....wow! I had emails from strangers thanking me for sharing my thoughts and feelings. Saying they didn't feel alone, and they hoped I hadn't thrown writing this blog away. I was lacking motivation.
It's been a crazy few months...so i'll start at the beginning.
Our summer was busy with packing and finding a new place to live! And we found it....we must have looked at over 20 places, until on a fluke we looked at this one and it was perfect. 3 bedrooms...1 for each of us to have "hobby" rooms and then our own room. We love it here. We've been here since September, and are soooo happy with it.
The next couple months were quiet...just getting settled in, working, figuring life out. Then we got a message. Dan's Dad was quite sick and wasn't expected to survive....lung cancer. We rushed up to the hospital and Dan was able to see him and say his goodbyes.....fast forward 1 month....and his dad is doing.....good. Dan was given a rare opportunity to have a "second" chance. A chance to talk with his dad, and let him know that he is good...he has learned from all the crazy mistakes and decisions he's made over the years.
Without going into great detail, Dan and I have been "estranged" from 90% of his family for many years. Over time we accepted it, but Dan always called his dad. Alot of people don't realize that...were things perfect...no, were we invited to holidays...no....did we get support in anyway...no.
Dan was able to speak with his dad while he was in the hospital. He received forgiveness, and his dad showed interest in our lives. They would talk about cars, fishing, and shows on the history channel. I normally would have been bored our of my tree, but seeing them talking and bonding was worth sitting there. Then it happened. Dan lost his dad on January 25. One day after the 2 year anniversary of my moms passing.
I was on autopilot. Did whatever I had to to help Dan get through this. We talked about our memories, and the good times. Dan expressed regret about all the years he had missed with him, but was grateful for the extra time he did have with him. We received amazing support from my family, which just reminded us how lucky we were to have the family we did have in our lives.
We never claimed to have the best relationship with his family. One thing i've learned through all the loss in our lives, is that every single one person grieves in a different way. There is no right way to do it. There is no time limit on it. It just is.
So much was happening at this point in our lives...just a mere month ago! After saying our final goodbyes to Dan's dad, we were on the receiving end of a nasty message. I wont go into details but we are not on speaking terms again with his family.
Amongst all this we brought in a new member to our family. A "toy" chihuahua. Unfortunately, the whole situation turned from bad to just plain nasty. She belonged to friends of ours, and the whole thing started as can you watch her for the weekend....to want to buy her? Again i'll save you the details of the pettyness that was exchanged....on both sides, but we ended up with a new family member and one less friend. After what she said to me, I had no problems cutting this person from my life.
A couple weeks ago, we lost our sweet dog Brandy. She died in my arms, and went so peacefully. I was heartbroken, and I still am. She was so precious to us and mackie loved her so much. He was "sad" and "depressed" for a few days, but that is the benefit of us having ChiChi now. He has a new playmate and is back to his old crazy self.
That is what else I have brought out of everything I have been through. Let it slide off your back and move on. SOOOOO much easier to type and say then to actually put into practice! But I can't waste my time with people that are going to go out of there way to hurt us. We have done an amazing job of surrounding ourselves with friends and family that we know love us.
This has been long and i've rambled on and I'm sorry! If your still reading thank you!
I plan on updating more....aiming for once or twice a week!
JM
It's been a crazy few months...so i'll start at the beginning.
Our summer was busy with packing and finding a new place to live! And we found it....we must have looked at over 20 places, until on a fluke we looked at this one and it was perfect. 3 bedrooms...1 for each of us to have "hobby" rooms and then our own room. We love it here. We've been here since September, and are soooo happy with it.
The next couple months were quiet...just getting settled in, working, figuring life out. Then we got a message. Dan's Dad was quite sick and wasn't expected to survive....lung cancer. We rushed up to the hospital and Dan was able to see him and say his goodbyes.....fast forward 1 month....and his dad is doing.....good. Dan was given a rare opportunity to have a "second" chance. A chance to talk with his dad, and let him know that he is good...he has learned from all the crazy mistakes and decisions he's made over the years.
Without going into great detail, Dan and I have been "estranged" from 90% of his family for many years. Over time we accepted it, but Dan always called his dad. Alot of people don't realize that...were things perfect...no, were we invited to holidays...no....did we get support in anyway...no.
Dan was able to speak with his dad while he was in the hospital. He received forgiveness, and his dad showed interest in our lives. They would talk about cars, fishing, and shows on the history channel. I normally would have been bored our of my tree, but seeing them talking and bonding was worth sitting there. Then it happened. Dan lost his dad on January 25. One day after the 2 year anniversary of my moms passing.
I was on autopilot. Did whatever I had to to help Dan get through this. We talked about our memories, and the good times. Dan expressed regret about all the years he had missed with him, but was grateful for the extra time he did have with him. We received amazing support from my family, which just reminded us how lucky we were to have the family we did have in our lives.
We never claimed to have the best relationship with his family. One thing i've learned through all the loss in our lives, is that every single one person grieves in a different way. There is no right way to do it. There is no time limit on it. It just is.
So much was happening at this point in our lives...just a mere month ago! After saying our final goodbyes to Dan's dad, we were on the receiving end of a nasty message. I wont go into details but we are not on speaking terms again with his family.
Amongst all this we brought in a new member to our family. A "toy" chihuahua. Unfortunately, the whole situation turned from bad to just plain nasty. She belonged to friends of ours, and the whole thing started as can you watch her for the weekend....to want to buy her? Again i'll save you the details of the pettyness that was exchanged....on both sides, but we ended up with a new family member and one less friend. After what she said to me, I had no problems cutting this person from my life.
A couple weeks ago, we lost our sweet dog Brandy. She died in my arms, and went so peacefully. I was heartbroken, and I still am. She was so precious to us and mackie loved her so much. He was "sad" and "depressed" for a few days, but that is the benefit of us having ChiChi now. He has a new playmate and is back to his old crazy self.
That is what else I have brought out of everything I have been through. Let it slide off your back and move on. SOOOOO much easier to type and say then to actually put into practice! But I can't waste my time with people that are going to go out of there way to hurt us. We have done an amazing job of surrounding ourselves with friends and family that we know love us.
This has been long and i've rambled on and I'm sorry! If your still reading thank you!
I plan on updating more....aiming for once or twice a week!
JM
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