Tuesday 22 March 2016
Excuse me! I'm Still Grieving.....: ...dealing with anxiety and panic.....
Excuse me! I'm Still Grieving.....: ...dealing with anxiety and panic.....: I thought it was time to add some new "content" to this blog. I have come to terms with the fact that I will be grieving for the ...
...dealing with anxiety and panic.....
I thought it was time to add some new "content" to this blog. I have come to terms with the fact that I will be grieving for the rest of my life....sometimes it will be easy sometimes hard, sometimes impossible. But now 2 years later it's not my entire life. It doesn't always consume my entire day, or all of my thoughts.
That being said, I want to talk about my anxiety and panic disorder. So many people don't believe something so "ridiculous" even exists.
"It's all in your head!"
"Just get over it"
"Suck it up and move on"
Those are some of the common phrases I hear. Some said to my face, and i'm sure many more said behind my back. All of which is ok.
See my situation is kind of interesting.
Loosing my grandma, my mom, and my aunt so quickly. It broke me, as you know. It forced me to retreat and it also forced me to cling to the one constant in my life. My husband Dan. 2 years later what that means is that leaving the house is near impossible. Some days are great, I can take the puppies for a walk, get out and enjoy some fresh air. Other days I can't even leave the bedroom.
Only one thing changes that. Dan. If I'm with Dan I'm fine. I can go anywhere, do anything. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't put that pressure on Dan. He works so hard for us. And I hate that I depend so much on him. The thought has crossed my mind ....what would I do if something ever happened to him.
There are other variances to it of course, if we have our friends kids over, I'm fine. I can go out with them and do anything with them. I think it's that I'm responsible for them, and I would walk through fire for those kids.
I've made a difficult decision. I'm going to start seeing my social worker again. I stopped because i thought I was ok. Grief wise, i'm "ok". but I need to be able to leave my house, without my husband. I know to some it may seem silly that this was a difficult decision, but everything seems to be climbing a mountain anymore.
Between all of this, i'm planning the burial for my mom. I've put it off for 2 years for no reason, except I wasn't ready. I feel as if I've been selfish. It's time. I need to bury her with my dad. I have every confidence they are up in heaven together reunited and healthy and watching over me and my brother and sisters.
I will end this here....more soon..
JM
That being said, I want to talk about my anxiety and panic disorder. So many people don't believe something so "ridiculous" even exists.
"It's all in your head!"
"Just get over it"
"Suck it up and move on"
Those are some of the common phrases I hear. Some said to my face, and i'm sure many more said behind my back. All of which is ok.
See my situation is kind of interesting.
Loosing my grandma, my mom, and my aunt so quickly. It broke me, as you know. It forced me to retreat and it also forced me to cling to the one constant in my life. My husband Dan. 2 years later what that means is that leaving the house is near impossible. Some days are great, I can take the puppies for a walk, get out and enjoy some fresh air. Other days I can't even leave the bedroom.
Only one thing changes that. Dan. If I'm with Dan I'm fine. I can go anywhere, do anything. I know it's not healthy. I know I shouldn't put that pressure on Dan. He works so hard for us. And I hate that I depend so much on him. The thought has crossed my mind ....what would I do if something ever happened to him.
There are other variances to it of course, if we have our friends kids over, I'm fine. I can go out with them and do anything with them. I think it's that I'm responsible for them, and I would walk through fire for those kids.
I've made a difficult decision. I'm going to start seeing my social worker again. I stopped because i thought I was ok. Grief wise, i'm "ok". but I need to be able to leave my house, without my husband. I know to some it may seem silly that this was a difficult decision, but everything seems to be climbing a mountain anymore.
Between all of this, i'm planning the burial for my mom. I've put it off for 2 years for no reason, except I wasn't ready. I feel as if I've been selfish. It's time. I need to bury her with my dad. I have every confidence they are up in heaven together reunited and healthy and watching over me and my brother and sisters.
I will end this here....more soon..
JM
Monday 7 March 2016
....I'm back! Long time....no write!
It's been close to 8 months since I've written a post! Crazy! I was writing these not knowing if anyone was even reading them, and then I checked me email....wow! I had emails from strangers thanking me for sharing my thoughts and feelings. Saying they didn't feel alone, and they hoped I hadn't thrown writing this blog away. I was lacking motivation.
It's been a crazy few months...so i'll start at the beginning.
Our summer was busy with packing and finding a new place to live! And we found it....we must have looked at over 20 places, until on a fluke we looked at this one and it was perfect. 3 bedrooms...1 for each of us to have "hobby" rooms and then our own room. We love it here. We've been here since September, and are soooo happy with it.
The next couple months were quiet...just getting settled in, working, figuring life out. Then we got a message. Dan's Dad was quite sick and wasn't expected to survive....lung cancer. We rushed up to the hospital and Dan was able to see him and say his goodbyes.....fast forward 1 month....and his dad is doing.....good. Dan was given a rare opportunity to have a "second" chance. A chance to talk with his dad, and let him know that he is good...he has learned from all the crazy mistakes and decisions he's made over the years.
Without going into great detail, Dan and I have been "estranged" from 90% of his family for many years. Over time we accepted it, but Dan always called his dad. Alot of people don't realize that...were things perfect...no, were we invited to holidays...no....did we get support in anyway...no.
Dan was able to speak with his dad while he was in the hospital. He received forgiveness, and his dad showed interest in our lives. They would talk about cars, fishing, and shows on the history channel. I normally would have been bored our of my tree, but seeing them talking and bonding was worth sitting there. Then it happened. Dan lost his dad on January 25. One day after the 2 year anniversary of my moms passing.
I was on autopilot. Did whatever I had to to help Dan get through this. We talked about our memories, and the good times. Dan expressed regret about all the years he had missed with him, but was grateful for the extra time he did have with him. We received amazing support from my family, which just reminded us how lucky we were to have the family we did have in our lives.
We never claimed to have the best relationship with his family. One thing i've learned through all the loss in our lives, is that every single one person grieves in a different way. There is no right way to do it. There is no time limit on it. It just is.
So much was happening at this point in our lives...just a mere month ago! After saying our final goodbyes to Dan's dad, we were on the receiving end of a nasty message. I wont go into details but we are not on speaking terms again with his family.
Amongst all this we brought in a new member to our family. A "toy" chihuahua. Unfortunately, the whole situation turned from bad to just plain nasty. She belonged to friends of ours, and the whole thing started as can you watch her for the weekend....to want to buy her? Again i'll save you the details of the pettyness that was exchanged....on both sides, but we ended up with a new family member and one less friend. After what she said to me, I had no problems cutting this person from my life.
A couple weeks ago, we lost our sweet dog Brandy. She died in my arms, and went so peacefully. I was heartbroken, and I still am. She was so precious to us and mackie loved her so much. He was "sad" and "depressed" for a few days, but that is the benefit of us having ChiChi now. He has a new playmate and is back to his old crazy self.
That is what else I have brought out of everything I have been through. Let it slide off your back and move on. SOOOOO much easier to type and say then to actually put into practice! But I can't waste my time with people that are going to go out of there way to hurt us. We have done an amazing job of surrounding ourselves with friends and family that we know love us.
This has been long and i've rambled on and I'm sorry! If your still reading thank you!
I plan on updating more....aiming for once or twice a week!
JM
It's been a crazy few months...so i'll start at the beginning.
Our summer was busy with packing and finding a new place to live! And we found it....we must have looked at over 20 places, until on a fluke we looked at this one and it was perfect. 3 bedrooms...1 for each of us to have "hobby" rooms and then our own room. We love it here. We've been here since September, and are soooo happy with it.
The next couple months were quiet...just getting settled in, working, figuring life out. Then we got a message. Dan's Dad was quite sick and wasn't expected to survive....lung cancer. We rushed up to the hospital and Dan was able to see him and say his goodbyes.....fast forward 1 month....and his dad is doing.....good. Dan was given a rare opportunity to have a "second" chance. A chance to talk with his dad, and let him know that he is good...he has learned from all the crazy mistakes and decisions he's made over the years.
Without going into great detail, Dan and I have been "estranged" from 90% of his family for many years. Over time we accepted it, but Dan always called his dad. Alot of people don't realize that...were things perfect...no, were we invited to holidays...no....did we get support in anyway...no.
Dan was able to speak with his dad while he was in the hospital. He received forgiveness, and his dad showed interest in our lives. They would talk about cars, fishing, and shows on the history channel. I normally would have been bored our of my tree, but seeing them talking and bonding was worth sitting there. Then it happened. Dan lost his dad on January 25. One day after the 2 year anniversary of my moms passing.
I was on autopilot. Did whatever I had to to help Dan get through this. We talked about our memories, and the good times. Dan expressed regret about all the years he had missed with him, but was grateful for the extra time he did have with him. We received amazing support from my family, which just reminded us how lucky we were to have the family we did have in our lives.
We never claimed to have the best relationship with his family. One thing i've learned through all the loss in our lives, is that every single one person grieves in a different way. There is no right way to do it. There is no time limit on it. It just is.
So much was happening at this point in our lives...just a mere month ago! After saying our final goodbyes to Dan's dad, we were on the receiving end of a nasty message. I wont go into details but we are not on speaking terms again with his family.
Amongst all this we brought in a new member to our family. A "toy" chihuahua. Unfortunately, the whole situation turned from bad to just plain nasty. She belonged to friends of ours, and the whole thing started as can you watch her for the weekend....to want to buy her? Again i'll save you the details of the pettyness that was exchanged....on both sides, but we ended up with a new family member and one less friend. After what she said to me, I had no problems cutting this person from my life.
A couple weeks ago, we lost our sweet dog Brandy. She died in my arms, and went so peacefully. I was heartbroken, and I still am. She was so precious to us and mackie loved her so much. He was "sad" and "depressed" for a few days, but that is the benefit of us having ChiChi now. He has a new playmate and is back to his old crazy self.
That is what else I have brought out of everything I have been through. Let it slide off your back and move on. SOOOOO much easier to type and say then to actually put into practice! But I can't waste my time with people that are going to go out of there way to hurt us. We have done an amazing job of surrounding ourselves with friends and family that we know love us.
This has been long and i've rambled on and I'm sorry! If your still reading thank you!
I plan on updating more....aiming for once or twice a week!
JM
Thursday 13 August 2015
....anxiety, a scary 7 letter word......
Anxiety. Defined in the Websters dictionary as : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension
and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and
increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the
threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it......
Yeah I'd say that about sums it up...although my personal definition of it...... A GIANT PAIN IN THE BUTT.
I think everyone gets anxiety over some things. The major difference is whether it takes over and controls you and your thoughts. Saying you suffer from anxiety is so open ended. Do you get nervous about speaking in front of large crowds? Are you worried about what people will think? Do you worry that you will run into confrontation? That is one end...or the extreme end....Are you afraid to leave your house? Do you push people away because they don't understand?
I'm most definitly on the OTHER END of the spectrum. Before my mom died, I suffered from anxiety...but it was "manageable anxiety". Small stuff that I found ways to work through. I still had bad days, but nothing like I do now. Since she died I've gotten pretty extreme with it. I will hide in the house for days at a time...doors closed, curtains drawn. I am even petrified to take the dogs out in the backyard some days. Why? Every reason I think of always sounds like an excuse. I think the real reason is I'm weak.
In the span of 2 years I lost 3 family members who I loved dearly, and was close with. My grandma, then my mom and aunt.....they passed within 6 months of each other. People often praise me for being so strong and getting through it. I'm a fighter like my mom. She would worry about everyone else then worry about herself. If there was something to do, then she did it. Anything to distract her mind from what was really happening. That is what I did....I did what I was supposed to do...packed up her apartment, leaned on friends...went back to work. That all caught up with me though.
When my grandma died, I saw my mom broken. I had never seen her like that. I didn't know what to do or how to help her. She never recovered from that. Looking back I get it. She lost her last living parent. She didn't have much close family left. When that realization hits you, you can't help but have to sit down and be dumbfounded.
I'm anxious because i'm alone. I'm anxious because i'm afraid if I leave my house then i'm moving on with my life. leaving the past behind me. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to leave my mom behind me. Learning to live like this is horrible. And I can say without a doubt I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
For the rest of my life I will know when it's 7:00pm, and pick up the phone to call my mom. After watching The Bachelor I will wait for my grandma to call me so we can talk about how all the girls are "floozys". And every Saturday morning I will remember how my mom and I did errands together. Yes these are wonderful memories and I will hold them close to me forever....but what do you do when you would give anything in the whole world for one more minute with them. One more hug. One more I love you.
I feel like I'm rambled my way through this, but this is stuff that been on my mind lately.
I'll end this long possibly misunderstood post by saying 2 things.
1. Everyone who is reading this...please love those people around you...forgive....get over your pride and call your mom or dad. Thank god they are with you and you have a chance to embrace them and your relationship.
2. Anxiety really sucks. Don't tell someone you know and love that suffers from it to "get over it". It wont help. Support them, love them, and understand them. Pushing is ok...but in small doses! Be a friend and let them know you are there no matter what.
Because above everything....remember that you have today....and you need to embrace it. Because tomorrow just might not be......
JM
Yeah I'd say that about sums it up...although my personal definition of it...... A GIANT PAIN IN THE BUTT.
I think everyone gets anxiety over some things. The major difference is whether it takes over and controls you and your thoughts. Saying you suffer from anxiety is so open ended. Do you get nervous about speaking in front of large crowds? Are you worried about what people will think? Do you worry that you will run into confrontation? That is one end...or the extreme end....Are you afraid to leave your house? Do you push people away because they don't understand?
I'm most definitly on the OTHER END of the spectrum. Before my mom died, I suffered from anxiety...but it was "manageable anxiety". Small stuff that I found ways to work through. I still had bad days, but nothing like I do now. Since she died I've gotten pretty extreme with it. I will hide in the house for days at a time...doors closed, curtains drawn. I am even petrified to take the dogs out in the backyard some days. Why? Every reason I think of always sounds like an excuse. I think the real reason is I'm weak.
In the span of 2 years I lost 3 family members who I loved dearly, and was close with. My grandma, then my mom and aunt.....they passed within 6 months of each other. People often praise me for being so strong and getting through it. I'm a fighter like my mom. She would worry about everyone else then worry about herself. If there was something to do, then she did it. Anything to distract her mind from what was really happening. That is what I did....I did what I was supposed to do...packed up her apartment, leaned on friends...went back to work. That all caught up with me though.
When my grandma died, I saw my mom broken. I had never seen her like that. I didn't know what to do or how to help her. She never recovered from that. Looking back I get it. She lost her last living parent. She didn't have much close family left. When that realization hits you, you can't help but have to sit down and be dumbfounded.
I'm anxious because i'm alone. I'm anxious because i'm afraid if I leave my house then i'm moving on with my life. leaving the past behind me. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to leave my mom behind me. Learning to live like this is horrible. And I can say without a doubt I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
For the rest of my life I will know when it's 7:00pm, and pick up the phone to call my mom. After watching The Bachelor I will wait for my grandma to call me so we can talk about how all the girls are "floozys". And every Saturday morning I will remember how my mom and I did errands together. Yes these are wonderful memories and I will hold them close to me forever....but what do you do when you would give anything in the whole world for one more minute with them. One more hug. One more I love you.
I feel like I'm rambled my way through this, but this is stuff that been on my mind lately.
I'll end this long possibly misunderstood post by saying 2 things.
1. Everyone who is reading this...please love those people around you...forgive....get over your pride and call your mom or dad. Thank god they are with you and you have a chance to embrace them and your relationship.
2. Anxiety really sucks. Don't tell someone you know and love that suffers from it to "get over it". It wont help. Support them, love them, and understand them. Pushing is ok...but in small doses! Be a friend and let them know you are there no matter what.
Because above everything....remember that you have today....and you need to embrace it. Because tomorrow just might not be......
JM
Wednesday 15 July 2015
....my husband...my world.....
A huge part of my grieving process has involved not just my family and friends, but also my husband, Dan. We got married June 2009, just celebrated 6 years together!
Our wedding day was perfect. I remember everything about it...it was my second wedding...second marriage...and at first I was ashamed of that, but thanks to my mom I took my first wedding, marriage, husband and I learned from it. I learned so much about myself and what I really wanted out of my life. Our wedding day I vowed to myself to remember every moment, to cherish every second with our family. 6 years later I can still remember waiting with my brother to walk down the aisle. With a deep breath and alittle tug from him, we started. I made eye contact with Dan and it was like we were the only two people in the room. The smile on his face, the look in his eyes, was all I needed.
Now obviously when you get married you don't think of all the bad things you are going to go through in a lifetime together. Especially saying those vows, you don't expect to have to live through hell. Your just thinking of the fun times...vacations, weekends, special times together....kids....
Don't get me wrong, our 6 years of marriage hasn't been hell. We have had a lifetime of ups and downs, and have gotten through things that I would have never imagined. We've taken every vow we said that day and lived through it. But after coming out of the otherside of everything we are better people individually and together because of everything.
Kids...oh I love that question. 6 years married and we still get that same question...where are the kids? when are you going to start? your not getting any younger! There's still some time! Yup we get it all the time. It used to hurt, and sometimes still does. Let me catch you up...
When we started our relationship we agreed we both wanted kids. 2 or 3. We wanted to be parents, we wanted to make our parents grandparents. We wanted to experience every part of having children that most couples go through. Well what we got is not what we expected. We have been through 11 miscarriages. Only a couple people close to us actually know about this. We kept very very private about it. Not even our parents knew. The last time was a vasectomy that didn't work. We got that fixed immediately! But the time before was the biggest. It was the one and only that I told my mom. We found out we were pregnant a week before my grandma died. Didn't tell a soul. I decided this was it and I would tell my mom. She had mixed emotions. See I was sick and on alot of medication, and financially it was a horrible time for us. A few days before we left to be with my grandma I had a miscarriage...the worst by far. I had was is referred to as a "tubal" pregnancy or an Ectopic Pregnancy. I was poked and proded and was very fortunate that it was early and they could give me medication to "clear the problem". I love the terms they use. It was the most painful....physically and emotionally yet.
It was finally discovered or "disagnosed" that I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
With my moms help and support we made the decision that children were not in our future and Dan had no problems, or second thoughts getting a vasectomy. He didn't want to see me in that pain anymore. Now sure we can adopt. But realistically I don't see that happening. So we have decided to enjoy our life as a couple. And we get to have our neice and nephew for sleepovers which gives us a kid fix!
Fast Forward a year and we are in the car driving....I have no idea what started the conversation but we were talking about when my mom dies how I will be a complete mess. She died that night.
That morning, as every morning when I didn't get to my mom, Dan would always say the same thing...she's fine don't worry. But my gut knew better. And when we pulled into the driveway and her window was still open I knew. I think he knew on some level as well, but didn't want to admit it.
That morning is a whirlwind, and I still think of it everyday, and that is ok. Sometimes I even remember things I couldn't remember before. The 9-1-1 call for example. When she didn't respond to me I called 911 right away. I told the operator where I was and that I needed them to hurry. She started asking me questions and i kept trying to wake my mom up. It wasn't working....she was ice cold. I shut the window....the operator told me to roll her over and started telling me how to do CPR. She wasn't listening to me. I know CPR. That wasn't the problem. The problem was my mom was laying there ice cold and so stiff I couldn't roll her over. Dan came in at this point and I gave him the phone. I went into the living room and started screaming and sobbing. He rolled her over finally and we knew right away. No doubt. He held me until I pushed him away. She was going to be fine. The paramedics would fix her and it would be fine. Denial.
Dan was amazing that day. He made phone calls to people I wouldn't have even thought about. Changed our day and responsibilities....I ran a daycare...I had kids coming....we were supposed to doggy sit for his cousin...He thought of it all. He held my hand at the funeral home. He drove me around and stepped in when something was just too much. I had an opportunity to see her the next day. Just me. So I took it. Dan came with me and held my hand and told me nothing was stupid and everything that we said and did was ours with her. He slept on the floor next to the couch in her apartment for 3 weeks holding my hand, and staying up with me all night while I cried and tried to deal with it.
To say he is my rock is an understatement. Dan is my guardian angel. He is my best friend. I don't know where I would be without him. He loves my mom as if she were is own. and I know she approved of him. He is still there for me when I need him, and I know he will be for the rest of our lives.
Dan,
Thank you for being on this jouney with me. Thank you for being who you are. I love you more than anything, and you are my everything. Your my yogi bear, and i'll forever be your boo boo.
-Jenn
JM
Our wedding day was perfect. I remember everything about it...it was my second wedding...second marriage...and at first I was ashamed of that, but thanks to my mom I took my first wedding, marriage, husband and I learned from it. I learned so much about myself and what I really wanted out of my life. Our wedding day I vowed to myself to remember every moment, to cherish every second with our family. 6 years later I can still remember waiting with my brother to walk down the aisle. With a deep breath and alittle tug from him, we started. I made eye contact with Dan and it was like we were the only two people in the room. The smile on his face, the look in his eyes, was all I needed.
Now obviously when you get married you don't think of all the bad things you are going to go through in a lifetime together. Especially saying those vows, you don't expect to have to live through hell. Your just thinking of the fun times...vacations, weekends, special times together....kids....
Don't get me wrong, our 6 years of marriage hasn't been hell. We have had a lifetime of ups and downs, and have gotten through things that I would have never imagined. We've taken every vow we said that day and lived through it. But after coming out of the otherside of everything we are better people individually and together because of everything.
Kids...oh I love that question. 6 years married and we still get that same question...where are the kids? when are you going to start? your not getting any younger! There's still some time! Yup we get it all the time. It used to hurt, and sometimes still does. Let me catch you up...
When we started our relationship we agreed we both wanted kids. 2 or 3. We wanted to be parents, we wanted to make our parents grandparents. We wanted to experience every part of having children that most couples go through. Well what we got is not what we expected. We have been through 11 miscarriages. Only a couple people close to us actually know about this. We kept very very private about it. Not even our parents knew. The last time was a vasectomy that didn't work. We got that fixed immediately! But the time before was the biggest. It was the one and only that I told my mom. We found out we were pregnant a week before my grandma died. Didn't tell a soul. I decided this was it and I would tell my mom. She had mixed emotions. See I was sick and on alot of medication, and financially it was a horrible time for us. A few days before we left to be with my grandma I had a miscarriage...the worst by far. I had was is referred to as a "tubal" pregnancy or an Ectopic Pregnancy. I was poked and proded and was very fortunate that it was early and they could give me medication to "clear the problem". I love the terms they use. It was the most painful....physically and emotionally yet.
It was finally discovered or "disagnosed" that I have PCOS. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.
With my moms help and support we made the decision that children were not in our future and Dan had no problems, or second thoughts getting a vasectomy. He didn't want to see me in that pain anymore. Now sure we can adopt. But realistically I don't see that happening. So we have decided to enjoy our life as a couple. And we get to have our neice and nephew for sleepovers which gives us a kid fix!
Fast Forward a year and we are in the car driving....I have no idea what started the conversation but we were talking about when my mom dies how I will be a complete mess. She died that night.
That morning, as every morning when I didn't get to my mom, Dan would always say the same thing...she's fine don't worry. But my gut knew better. And when we pulled into the driveway and her window was still open I knew. I think he knew on some level as well, but didn't want to admit it.
That morning is a whirlwind, and I still think of it everyday, and that is ok. Sometimes I even remember things I couldn't remember before. The 9-1-1 call for example. When she didn't respond to me I called 911 right away. I told the operator where I was and that I needed them to hurry. She started asking me questions and i kept trying to wake my mom up. It wasn't working....she was ice cold. I shut the window....the operator told me to roll her over and started telling me how to do CPR. She wasn't listening to me. I know CPR. That wasn't the problem. The problem was my mom was laying there ice cold and so stiff I couldn't roll her over. Dan came in at this point and I gave him the phone. I went into the living room and started screaming and sobbing. He rolled her over finally and we knew right away. No doubt. He held me until I pushed him away. She was going to be fine. The paramedics would fix her and it would be fine. Denial.
Dan was amazing that day. He made phone calls to people I wouldn't have even thought about. Changed our day and responsibilities....I ran a daycare...I had kids coming....we were supposed to doggy sit for his cousin...He thought of it all. He held my hand at the funeral home. He drove me around and stepped in when something was just too much. I had an opportunity to see her the next day. Just me. So I took it. Dan came with me and held my hand and told me nothing was stupid and everything that we said and did was ours with her. He slept on the floor next to the couch in her apartment for 3 weeks holding my hand, and staying up with me all night while I cried and tried to deal with it.
To say he is my rock is an understatement. Dan is my guardian angel. He is my best friend. I don't know where I would be without him. He loves my mom as if she were is own. and I know she approved of him. He is still there for me when I need him, and I know he will be for the rest of our lives.
Dan,
Thank you for being on this jouney with me. Thank you for being who you are. I love you more than anything, and you are my everything. Your my yogi bear, and i'll forever be your boo boo.
-Jenn
JM
Sunday 12 July 2015
.....my friends and family.....
I think i've mentioned before that I see a councillor every couple weeks, to help sort out my thoughts and feelings and work on healthy ways to "control" them and handle them.
He asked me something interesting this last visit. Who was my first call? That morning after I found my mom....who did I call? Well I went with the obvious answer...911. Of course that is not what he meant and I knew that, when I really thought of it I knew who it was. When I told him, he didn't seem surprised. My first thoughts after the initial omg why is this happening, was oh god Josh and Aynslei.
See my first call was to my good friend Ashley. As bad as I knew the situation was, and even though I knew my life had changed forever, the one thing I had to do was talk to my friend. She was always my voice of reason. She has 2 beautiful children, Josh and Aynslei, who mean the world to me...but who also meant the world to my mom. They called her Nana Brenda, and although Aynslei was too little to understand, I knew Josh would understand better, and I was dreading that.
If I remember correctly, the phone call was quick, to the point. I had police and firemen, and EMTs swirling around me. It was a crazy time. But I remember talking to Ashley and having a wave of calm come over me....like no matter what I knew I had my friends to lean on.
What I didn't realize was how much I would in fact come to lean on her in the weeks and months to come.
She helped me plan the memorial, find the location, buy all the stuff I needed to buy. She was on top of papers I need to fill out and quick to remind me of things I still had to do. I would have been lost without her and probably still crying every night and to be honest.....probably not even here anymore.
Ashley stepped up when she didn't have to. She stood next to me and behind me to give me a swift kick in the butt when I needed it (she's still realllllly good at this!) The last year and a half has been full of alot of ups and downs, but she has been there through it all.
Recently her son Josh, was asking me questions, and said if I didn't have Uncle Dan then I would live alone...I agreed yes...thinking this was not going to end well....but then he said, "well you wouldn't be alone, because you would have me and Aynslei, and Mommy and Daddy and we are family too!" That was by far one of the sweetest things that little boy has ever said to me. But he is right. They are not just friends. They are family.
Thank you truly doesn't seem like enough. I feel I can never repay her for what she has done for me. I love her to death, and she really is like a sister to me...a little pesky sister! Her and her husband have been a life line for us, and the kids mean everything to Dan and I.
This in no way diminshes the things that everyone has done for me. Her co-workers and friends were incredible. Helped me with little details like food for the memorial.
My brother dropped everything and came here to help me and support me. He was my voice of reason, he helped me to see that even though I lost the most important person in my life, I still had alot of family and friends left. His wife, my sister-in-law, has been an incredible life line for me. They live far away, but I know that I can message her or even call her anytime and even though she is very busy she will always respond, and help bring me back to reality. She reminds me of the things I need to remember and hold on to during those tough times.
My sisters, who at the time I didn't talk much with, came to support me. In fact one thing I remember, is at my moms memorial service. We sat down for it to begin and I sat with Dan, but noone sat next to me. I was confused. I sat there thinking this is it...this is what it's going to be like...Dan and I...then something happened. My oldest sister came in with her daughter. She sat right next to me and took my hand. She probably doesn't even remember this, or realize what an impact that had on me. It meant the world to me.
And well Dan.....I think that will have to wait until my next blog post!
JM
He asked me something interesting this last visit. Who was my first call? That morning after I found my mom....who did I call? Well I went with the obvious answer...911. Of course that is not what he meant and I knew that, when I really thought of it I knew who it was. When I told him, he didn't seem surprised. My first thoughts after the initial omg why is this happening, was oh god Josh and Aynslei.
See my first call was to my good friend Ashley. As bad as I knew the situation was, and even though I knew my life had changed forever, the one thing I had to do was talk to my friend. She was always my voice of reason. She has 2 beautiful children, Josh and Aynslei, who mean the world to me...but who also meant the world to my mom. They called her Nana Brenda, and although Aynslei was too little to understand, I knew Josh would understand better, and I was dreading that.
If I remember correctly, the phone call was quick, to the point. I had police and firemen, and EMTs swirling around me. It was a crazy time. But I remember talking to Ashley and having a wave of calm come over me....like no matter what I knew I had my friends to lean on.
What I didn't realize was how much I would in fact come to lean on her in the weeks and months to come.
She helped me plan the memorial, find the location, buy all the stuff I needed to buy. She was on top of papers I need to fill out and quick to remind me of things I still had to do. I would have been lost without her and probably still crying every night and to be honest.....probably not even here anymore.
Ashley stepped up when she didn't have to. She stood next to me and behind me to give me a swift kick in the butt when I needed it (she's still realllllly good at this!) The last year and a half has been full of alot of ups and downs, but she has been there through it all.
Recently her son Josh, was asking me questions, and said if I didn't have Uncle Dan then I would live alone...I agreed yes...thinking this was not going to end well....but then he said, "well you wouldn't be alone, because you would have me and Aynslei, and Mommy and Daddy and we are family too!" That was by far one of the sweetest things that little boy has ever said to me. But he is right. They are not just friends. They are family.
Thank you truly doesn't seem like enough. I feel I can never repay her for what she has done for me. I love her to death, and she really is like a sister to me...a little pesky sister! Her and her husband have been a life line for us, and the kids mean everything to Dan and I.
This in no way diminshes the things that everyone has done for me. Her co-workers and friends were incredible. Helped me with little details like food for the memorial.
My brother dropped everything and came here to help me and support me. He was my voice of reason, he helped me to see that even though I lost the most important person in my life, I still had alot of family and friends left. His wife, my sister-in-law, has been an incredible life line for me. They live far away, but I know that I can message her or even call her anytime and even though she is very busy she will always respond, and help bring me back to reality. She reminds me of the things I need to remember and hold on to during those tough times.
My sisters, who at the time I didn't talk much with, came to support me. In fact one thing I remember, is at my moms memorial service. We sat down for it to begin and I sat with Dan, but noone sat next to me. I was confused. I sat there thinking this is it...this is what it's going to be like...Dan and I...then something happened. My oldest sister came in with her daughter. She sat right next to me and took my hand. She probably doesn't even remember this, or realize what an impact that had on me. It meant the world to me.
And well Dan.....I think that will have to wait until my next blog post!
JM
Sunday 5 July 2015
....i've had a breakthrough...well 2 really!.....
Part of my anxiety is that I tend to do anything and everything to avoid situations, people, and definitly confrontation. Well this past week I have had not only 1 but 2 breakthroughs.
First I was able to call our landlord and find out some information. Easy right? Yeah it is....for most people it is quite simple. But for someone with extreme anxiety it's a nightmare. But I did it...it was not a pleasant call and I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it...and the best part is I did it without thinking about it. I didn't have to plan the conversation, and possible answers or questions. I just did it. I was spontaneous and I did it.
Second breakthough is quite abit more exciting. We are going to be moving, so we went to the store to get moving boxes. Well going to the store with Dan has...90% of the time....been fairly simple. As long as Dan is with me i'm ok. He left me alone. And had be checkout with some of the things we had wanted....by myself! Again something that some people do weekly or even daily...and really don't think twice about doing it. For me that was a huge accomplishment.
For the first time in over a year I can say I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to do these things. And while I still have anxiety and always will on some level, I know now that it is getting better. That I am conquering these fears and stepping on them one at a time.
Now for the bigger question....can I do them again? I'm sure I could and i'm sure I will someday.
Don't misunderstand.....the anxiety is still there. And it's huge. it's like a giant monster that is attatched to me. But this is progress...these things made me feel good about myself again. I'm getting back to my old self, and I have to admit....i've really missed her!
JM
First I was able to call our landlord and find out some information. Easy right? Yeah it is....for most people it is quite simple. But for someone with extreme anxiety it's a nightmare. But I did it...it was not a pleasant call and I knew it wouldn't be, but I did it...and the best part is I did it without thinking about it. I didn't have to plan the conversation, and possible answers or questions. I just did it. I was spontaneous and I did it.
Second breakthough is quite abit more exciting. We are going to be moving, so we went to the store to get moving boxes. Well going to the store with Dan has...90% of the time....been fairly simple. As long as Dan is with me i'm ok. He left me alone. And had be checkout with some of the things we had wanted....by myself! Again something that some people do weekly or even daily...and really don't think twice about doing it. For me that was a huge accomplishment.
For the first time in over a year I can say I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to do these things. And while I still have anxiety and always will on some level, I know now that it is getting better. That I am conquering these fears and stepping on them one at a time.
Now for the bigger question....can I do them again? I'm sure I could and i'm sure I will someday.
Don't misunderstand.....the anxiety is still there. And it's huge. it's like a giant monster that is attatched to me. But this is progress...these things made me feel good about myself again. I'm getting back to my old self, and I have to admit....i've really missed her!
JM
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