Anxiety. Defined in the Websters dictionary as : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension
and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and
increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the
threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it......
Yeah I'd say that about sums it up...although my personal definition of it...... A GIANT PAIN IN THE BUTT.
I think everyone gets anxiety over some things. The major difference is whether it takes over and controls you and your thoughts. Saying you suffer from anxiety is so open ended. Do you get nervous about speaking in front of large crowds? Are you worried about what people will think? Do you worry that you will run into confrontation? That is one end...or the extreme end....Are you afraid to leave your house? Do you push people away because they don't understand?
I'm most definitly on the OTHER END of the spectrum. Before my mom died, I suffered from anxiety...but it was "manageable anxiety". Small stuff that I found ways to work through. I still had bad days, but nothing like I do now. Since she died I've gotten pretty extreme with it. I will hide in the house for days at a time...doors closed, curtains drawn. I am even petrified to take the dogs out in the backyard some days. Why? Every reason I think of always sounds like an excuse. I think the real reason is I'm weak.
In the span of 2 years I lost 3 family members who I loved dearly, and was close with. My grandma, then my mom and aunt.....they passed within 6 months of each other. People often praise me for being so strong and getting through it. I'm a fighter like my mom. She would worry about everyone else then worry about herself. If there was something to do, then she did it. Anything to distract her mind from what was really happening. That is what I did....I did what I was supposed to do...packed up her apartment, leaned on friends...went back to work. That all caught up with me though.
When my grandma died, I saw my mom broken. I had never seen her like that. I didn't know what to do or how to help her. She never recovered from that. Looking back I get it. She lost her last living parent. She didn't have much close family left. When that realization hits you, you can't help but have to sit down and be dumbfounded.
I'm anxious because i'm alone. I'm anxious because i'm afraid if I leave my house then i'm moving on with my life. leaving the past behind me. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to leave my mom behind me. Learning to live like this is horrible. And I can say without a doubt I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
For the rest of my life I will know when it's 7:00pm, and pick up the phone to call my mom. After watching The Bachelor I will wait for my grandma to call me so we can talk about how all the girls are "floozys". And every Saturday morning I will remember how my mom and I did errands together. Yes these are wonderful memories and I will hold them close to me forever....but what do you do when you would give anything in the whole world for one more minute with them. One more hug. One more I love you.
I feel like I'm rambled my way through this, but this is stuff that been on my mind lately.
I'll end this long possibly misunderstood post by saying 2 things.
1. Everyone who is reading this...please love those people around you...forgive....get over your pride and call your mom or dad. Thank god they are with you and you have a chance to embrace them and your relationship.
2. Anxiety really sucks. Don't tell someone you know and love that suffers from it to "get over it". It wont help. Support them, love them, and understand them. Pushing is ok...but in small doses! Be a friend and let them know you are there no matter what.
Because above everything....remember that you have today....and you need to embrace it. Because tomorrow just might not be......
JM
